“Would it be just as funny if I said it to you?”
“Well no… but I don’tactuallyhave a reputation. I mean I’ve only been with—” I stop, because we can both assume who I’m going to say. “What I meant to say, what I was trying to relay to you was how… amazing that was. Because it was incredible. It’s never been that way for me, but it probably has been for you, which I guess makes me feel a little unsure of myself? So I made a joke, which was obviously a bad joke, and?—”
“Olivia,” he stops me, his brows furrowed. “It has never been like that for me.”
His admission sits heavy between us, the enormity of what he’s confirming causing my heart to skip a beat. He sits up and I follow him, wrapping myself in my throw blanket. “I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t have a past, because I do. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, treated a lot of people in ways that are… shitty. I was a different person when I left Astor, Liv. I need you to know that.” He pauses, his hand caressing the side of my face, and I internally whimper. “But the way it just was between us… that’s just as new to me as it is to you.”
Vulnerability in his gaze, I wrap my arms around his neck, my throw falling away as I tilt my neck up to look at him.
“Then I guess we can figure this out together.” His arms settle low around my hips, his fingers lightly trailing my lower back.
“Together?” he asks, subtly surprised. I take a breath, feeling self conscious. I’m jumping to conclusions, assuming Ben sees the same “us” I do.
“I mean,” I start, feeling his surprise turn into amusement. “We can just… see where this goes,” I tell him, my tone oozing nonchalance, like I didn’t just have the most intense orgasm of my life. Something unclear flashes in his eyes before they turn heated, that sly grin quickly taking up residence on his face, and I assume he’s glad I’m not asking for anything more than this.Maybe he doesn’t want more than this, I tell myself, disappointment landing like a pit in my stomach.
“And what does that look like to you, Olivia?” he asks, his voice intense but hushed, his gaze intently on me.
“We can keep doing what we’ve been doing… plus what we just did,” I add, blushing, “but I don’t expect you to exclusively be with me.” The words feel foreign to me, so far from anything I would ever want, but I can acknowledge how chaotic it is for me to want to be with Ben so soon after ending things with Will. Hisbrother.
“Do you want me to be with other people?” he asks, even more intensely than before, and his face is suddenly so close to mine. His eyes search mine as he waits for me to reply.
“No,” I admit, my lips barely moving, I feel so paralyzed by his attention.
“Good,” he tells me. “There is no one else, Olivia. Not for me, not for you. Not after this.” My heart beats so loudly in my ears, I swear he can hear it, too. Those words, full of possession and control, should alarm me considering the dynamic I just left. But instead, his words settle deep in my core, warming me, embracing me, full of belonging.
“No one else,” I repeat, watching his lips curve into the most delicious smirk, and kiss him.
“I love that I can just do this now,” I say, smiling against his mouth. He’s still grinning but he puts some space between us, his face telling me there’s a caveat.
“We should talk about what this looks like out there.” He nods toward my door, referencing the world beyond the haven that is just us. “We should probably be mindful of?—”
“Oh my god, of course,” I cut in, guilt washing over me when I remember Will. The guilt isn’t even about my relationship with Ben. It’s the fact that I was ready to loudly, proudly claim Ben as mine without any thought to how Will might feel about it.What is wrong with me?“Let’s keep this between us, for now.”
He gives me a weary look. “Are you sure, Liv?”
“Yes. I just wasn’t thinking. How is he?” I ask, more timid than I’d like to be. I don’t know what this will be like now, talking about Will with him. He takes a deep breath, sighing, the heaviness of his relationship with Will evident.
“He’s been better.” His smile is tight, but he doesn’t elaborate.
“Yeah, of course. I guess I was hoping he would take this better than he probably is,” I add, feeling shitty.
“It’s not you, Liv.” He shakes his head, his gaze not meeting mine. “Will has a lot of shit to figure out, and… this breakup is just bringing a lot up for him.” He finally raises his gaze to mine, and I’m startled by the regret I find there. “You were really important to him, I know that. And if he reaches out to you, I want you to talk to him. For me, okay?”
His question feels dire, like I can’t say no, so I just nod. “And when things settle, I plan to do this,” he leans into me, his hand finding its way back to the nape of my neck, “whenever I can, just because.” He closes the distance, his mouth crashing into mine with unexpected fervor, and I welcome it, eager to move on from this conversation.
Wrapped in my sheets, tangled with this man, I can’t help but feel like the stars have conspiredforme. Like every moment before this, meeting Will and being with Will, were for this greater good. And as I kiss Ben back, I thank those stars for their scheming.
23
Ben
A breeze rustles the leaves and notes of cinnamon waft out of the cardboard cup in Grant’s hand.
“Dude, what the hell is that?” A black, hot coffee warms my hand, the weather just now cool enough to warrant a light sweater and hot beverages.
“It’s a chai tea?” he replies, like it would be weirder if it wasn't. I can’t help but laugh to myself as we walk away from Nero, which apparently, serves tea now.
Campus is littered with orange and red hues, the trees already beginning to shed the fruits of summer. Blankets not only lay on the lawn but across the shoulders of their owners. Animal ears spring from the heads of a few freshmen still unsure of their status as young adults, reminding me that today is Halloween.
