“Uh…” I stutter, shocked by how easily she can act like nothing's wrong. “Fine,” I tell her, shoving my hands in my pocket. The words ‘what’s going on with you and Will?’ bubble at the top of my throat but I push them down. “How are you?” The conversation feels stale, so different from the way it usually feels.
She searches my eyes for a moment before giving a noncommittal shrug and nods. “Yeah, I’m… okay.” Pressing her lips together, she spins around to the mugs, dropping a tea bag in each seemingly out of nowhere. I watch the hot steam rise and diffuse into the air, the space around us quickly smelling of clove and warm spices.
“Sorry, did you want tea?” she asks over her shoulder. She sounds annoyed and exhausted. Before I can answer, she’s extending the steaming cup of autumn to me.
“Thanks, Liv.” I accept the mug, taking note of the way her mouth curves into a gentler version of her usual smile when I say her name. I jump on the shred of courage her smile gives me, deciding to satisfy my morbid curiosity now or never. “So. You and Will are back together then?”
As soon as the words are out my mouth, I regret them. She spins around, confusion and irritation swirling on her face.
“What did you just ask me?” Her tone is one of disbelief, and as incensed as I am that she’s offended by my curiosity, I know she’s right.
“No, you’re right, I— it’s none of my business.” My lips press together as if to keep my actual feeling under wraps.
“It’s none of your business?” Her eyes are pools of hurt and fury and I feel my pushed down frustration rise to the top. “You ignore me fordaysand then show up here like we didn’t?—”
My brows furrow in disbelief as I feel myself erupt. “Ignoring you, Olivia? I didn’t realize you were expecting a follow up conversation after youleft with Will. Because that is what you're referring to, right? That I’ve beenignoringyou since the gala?” She flinches at the mention, but I feel vindicated by the opportunity to show how I’ve been feeling.
“Yes Ben, I was,” her chin raising slightly in defiance. “I expected…somethingafter we…” She blushes, turning away.
“What were you expecting, Olivia?” I ask, the anger I feel turning into a palpable heat. “You left with him.” My heart sinks at my own words, reminded of the way she walked out those doors with him. I watch her think carefully, her eyes searching my face before she answers.
“I just,” she pauses, considering her next words. “I thought we were friends,” she tells me, sounding painfully unsure, and my heart sinks even more.
“We’ve never been friends, Olivia,” I tell her, and her eyes shutter. And I know what she thinks I mean in that moment, but it isn’t what I mean at all.“And I know about what happened after you left — pretty sure the entire team knows now.” I shake my head and turn toward her door, expecting her dismissal anyway. If I stay any longer, I’ll only handle her decision to get back together with Will with more immaturity than I already have.
“What thefuckdoes that mean?” she all but shouts at me, inviting me and my heart back to be ripped to shreds in the middle of her kitchen. And I do it because when will I have the right to feel anything for her again?
“I know you’re with him, Olivia! For god knows what reason. It means I know you went home with him, that you slept with him after he?—”
“That I slept with him after he fucked the coat check girl?” she interrupts me, crossing her arms. She tilts her head, her hair falling to one side, as she eyes me with derision. “I guess we never were friends if you believe I could be that pathetic.” She dismisses me with a quick glance at the door, turning to collect a mixing bowl off her counter.
Guilt crashes into me as I watch her listlessly clean up a nonexistent mess in her kitchen. I wallow in my anger at this situation for all of ten seconds before I walk up behind her,stilling her hands. I came here hoping for some resolution, or some closure, for me; I didn’t come here to upset her.
“Olivia,” I say, willing her to turn around and face me. When she does, my eyes immediately land on her mouth before taking her in. Rich, brown waves frame her face, the remnants of summer freckles dust the bridge of her nose, trailing off into the slight blush of her cheeks, and her long, delicate lashes frame amber speckled eyes that glisten with wetness. The slow pace of her chest rising and falling makes this moment feel like it’s happening in slow motion. And it’s the slowness of this moment that reminds me that I still can’t kiss this girl.
So I say, instead, “We were neverjustfriends. You’ve always been more. Since the moment I saw you at the party, you have consumed my thoughts,” I admit, feeling more vulnerable than I’ve felt in years. “I didn’t text you, because I can’t tell if this… thing I’m feeling with you is all in my head or if it’s real. If I imagined our night together or if you felt it, too.” I pause, feeling like I’m revealing too much but deciding that I have nothing left to loose. “Youare always on my mind, even andespeciallywhen you shouldn’t be.”
She tilts her head up at me in silent defiance, and I can tell she’s biting the inside of her cheek. Her gaze lingers on my mouth before sliding up to mine, telling me that she feels this too.
“And I know I shouldn’t be telling you any of this if you’re still with him, if you’re still—” I stop, knowing I have to give this up if she is. I swallow, feeling the question I want to ask like a lump in my throat, knowing her answer has the power to decimate me. “Are you still with him?”
My stomach sinks when I see her bite her lip, something like embarrassment flashing momentarily. She looks down at the ground in contemplation and she might as well rip out myanatomical heart because this is tortuous and I think I should’ve left when I had the chance.
I think all of this in the five seconds that it happens and then she looks up at me earnestly through those thick lashes.
“No,” she says, clear and quiet. “I’m not with him.”
22
Olivia
I hadn’t spoken to Ben since the gala because I didn’t want Will to be right about me. At the end of the day, Will and I didn’t work because of issues that predate Ben’s entrance in our lives. Ben just… pulled the curtain back. And even though I feel this is true in my bones, a tiny voice in my head— that sounds an awful lot like Will— tells me I am as selfish as he says I am.
Looking up at Ben, I recognize the darkness swirling in his eyes for pain.He’s waiting for me to tell him I left Will, and I’m contemplating not saying I did because I shouldn’t be selfish?I ended things with Will, in part, so that I wouldn’t feel like this. Like there are parts of me I should suppress or ignore because it doesn’t serve someone else’s purposes. I left him so I could be true to myself. I don’t know if Ben wants me the way I want him, but I’m willing to feel stupid if there’s any chance he does.
I focus my gaze on Ben, and tell him.
“No. I’m not with him.”
