I allow myself to move through the lobby of the state room, a bar and lounge area to the left and a coat check to the right. I decided to forgo a coat for this event, not wanting to hide my gown, but I feel a chill climb up my spine like an omen. I instantly regret it. I’m met with the cutting stare of Gen’s deephazel eyes at the bar. If she wasn’t such a bitch I would admit that they were striking, maybe even beautiful, but she is, so I’ll equate her eyes to that of the walking dead— intense, but utterly soulless. She’s standing at the bar alone in the gown she’s sporting, pitch black as if any light within her doesn’t exist, the skirt flowing across the floor in a pool around her feet. It’s not completely hideous; it was clearly meant to one-up what she chose for me. I shudder at the thought of her and Will holding what was essentially lingerie, laughing at me.
“Will won’t be pleased seeing you in that. He spentcountlesshours with me, trying to find a dress that would really suit you,” she says down her nose, the insult not reaching her eyes. Her tone seems… sad actually. I feel a pang deep down in the bottom of my stomach as I see her eyes move back to the olive at the end of her toothpick. She pulls it out, picking up the martini and downing it.
“Speaking of, I assume you know where my estranged boyfriend is?” I say, rolling my eyes and ignoring whatever bizarre sympathetic reaction my body is having toward Gen. I scan the bar, my plan tonight one of avoidance. I’m hoping to avoid any sort of public confrontation, if at all possible. I don’t need Will to incessantly bring up that we are on a break in every conversation, and I definitely don’t need him insinuating that it’s temporary until I’ve fully made up my mind. The only reason I’m even mentioning it to Gen is because I know she is likely well aware of all things Will, as per usual.
“I don’t know how you did it,” she says sloppily, wiping her hand over her upper lip. She looks up at me, her eyes even more severe as tears bloom at the corners, making the hazel almost kaleidoscopic with the gold and brown tones melting into green. Her dark pinned up tendrils fall loose around her face. “How you didn’t have more self respect all these years.” Her sad tone turnsinto a drunken giggle, as if my lack of ‘self respect’ is the funniest thing in the world to her.
I feel my face turn pink as I squint my eyes, confused as to what is going on here.
“Bartender, please cut her off. This woman has had enough to drink,” I fake yell to the bartender a good 20 feet away, but Gen’s the only one who hears me and the comment makes her laugh harder. A few of the older patrons surrounding us turn toward the gorgeous ballerina, seemingly completely off her rocker. Her laughs begin to settle and she puts her hand into her face, her shoulders shaking and it’s hard to tell if she’s still laughing or beginning to cry.
“Gen… are you alright?” I say quietly, real concern taking over my face.
Gen pushes up abruptly, causing her to wobble slightly before sitting back down. Her face has transformed in mere seconds to the venomous one I’ve grown accustomed to. She pulls out a hundred dollar bill slamming it on the counter with dramatic effect, making her drunken state even more obvious as the martini was likely only thirteen dollars.
“Olivia, let’s be honest,” she slurs as she slowly angles her body toward mine. “If I needed someone’s pity it certainly wouldn’t be yours. Do you want to know where your “boyfriend” is?” Her hushed voice is filled with rage as she uses air quotes with the word boyfriend. “Maybe ask the slut who went into the coat check with him,” she says, tears running down her face.
She uses the back of her hand again, smearing her black charcoal mascara across her cheek. Just as she turns to leave, we both see Will duck out of the coat check, straightening his tie and mussing his hair. A few seconds later a petite busty girl with jet black hair walks out behind him, her white mini dress barely covering her.
With her back turned to me Gen whispers under her breath, “I feel sorry for you.” Her posture seems to wilt as she gazes at the scene before us and I quickly realize that mine doesn’t change at all.
My eyes trail Will and the small raven-haired girl speed walking to keep up with him.
Gen’s body sinks back down on the barstool closest to me and I ask the bartender for two shots of tequila. He eyes me suspiciously.
“We don’t really do shots at this sort of thing…” his voice trails.
I set down two one hundred dollar bills, finally understanding the level of Gen’s desperation for a drink. “Two shots, coming up!”
I suck in my cheeks observing Gen, her head hung low as she uses a tissue and compact to try and salvage her makeup, even though tears are still streaming down her face.That should be me,I think to myself. I observe the crease of her brow, how the hand holding the tissue is shaking as her breathing remains unsteady, clearly trying to hold back the emotions building up inside her. I look down at my legs sheathed in the reflective fabric of my gown. Biting my lip, I realize how numb I feel. Sure, I’m surprised that Will would so publicly disrespect me, but mostly because it will affect his reputation, something Will is very cognizant of.
“You must be in shock,” Gen sniffs beside me, handing me a tissue only to see that I’m not crying when she meets my eyes.
“I actually think I’m fine, weirdly enough,” I sigh. “Are you okay though, Gen?” she squints at me as if she can’t comprehend my emotionless response.
“AmIokay?” she emphasizes the I as if to say ‘you’re the one who has a cheating boyfriend’.
I sigh, offering her a sad laugh. “I’m sure this wasn’t your desired outcome, if Will and I were to end things…”
She bites her lip considering what I’m saying. “Why did you stay with him?” she asks, staring into the bar, trying to school her own emotions. I roll my lips together thinking about this. Will was a lot of things but aconsistentlygood boyfriend wasn’t one of them. Memories of the past few years filter through my memory, especially the months after Lily’s death and how Will somehow brought me back to life. Though now, I’m realizing, there are cracks, pieces of myself I haven’t completely mended or dealt with because he shielded me from them. So, maybe that’s why I stayed with him for so long; I wasn’t ready to thoroughly heal. I didn’t think I deserved to.
I look at Gen for what feels like the first time and I really see her. She’s undoubtedly beautiful. Tall and lean from hours upon hours spent at her dance studio, her arms are slender and muscular. Her skin is a creamy brown without a single imperfection and her dark tendrils frame her face that radiantly glows. I never noticed before. She’s probably one of the most stunning people I’ve ever seen and she is in love with Will, so devoted to him in a way I never have been.
It begs the question: why did heneverwant to be withher, this nearly perfect girl sitting before me? It reminds me of my dad anytime I’d bring up all the ways I was jealous of Lily.
“You won’t be happy until you're happy with yourself,”he’d say.
I think that sentiment holds true for Will. It’s almost like he was using me too, a shield from all the small cracks he didn’t want to face and I realize I don’t blame him for it.
I look at Gen again and she meets my eyes, that question dancing between both of us unanswered.Why did you stay with him?
“We both stayed with him, Gen.”
Her eyes go sad again but she motions to the bartender, taking out two more hundreds. “Another round?”
Now sufficiently buzzed, my drunken brain has convinced myself that I can continue evading Will as long as I spend the rest of my night getting hammered at this gala. Gen left shortly after the second shot, claiming she had to “meet someone.” I was glad for her departure.
Despite the chaotic heart to heart we just had, there’s still this resentful tension between us, but it’s something to work out at a later date.
