Once we’re in the car, an uncomfortable silence sets in. His mouth is set in a determined line, and he hasn’t so much as glanced at me since we got in the car. He’s fuming, and for once he’s not totally wrong for it. I didn’t tell him about my day with Ben because Iknew, regardless of when he found out, this would happen. Maybe I was hoping to staunch the fallout, but on some level I knew this was inevitable. My heart races as I consider how this could go, a pit forming in my stomach.
“Sloane was nice,” I blandly state.
“Yup,” Will says, dedicated to the silent treatment I’m now sure he’s giving me.I guess I’ll be the one to rip off the bandaid.
“Will,” I start, glancing at him in my passenger seat. “I didn’t think it was crucial you know I did a thing for class. Since when do we tell each other every single thing we did each day? ‘Today, I chose my checkered mug over my floral one.’ I just?—”
“Cut the shit, Liv. I’m not an idiot, and neither are you,” he cuts in, looking out the window. I pause, guilt jacketing me in my seat.
“You’re right. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was with Ben. I knew you would get weird and I… just wanted to avoid it, because there is nothing to be weird or worry about.” I feel the lie the moment it comes out of my mouth. I catch the fire erupt in Will’s eyes, and something in me begins to unfurl itself. Like that lie was the last one in a long line of them, the lie that broke the camel's back. It feels… not as horrible as I thought it would, and the dread in my stomach transforms into a fire of my own.
“Really? There isnothingto worry about? I told you to stay away from him,” he presses, looking directly at me now.
“You know, Will, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t even thinking about what you would think when I chose to go into the city,” I reply, defiance settling in my bones. “I just did it. Because he offered to come with me and it made sense. There was no special calculus, no agenda. But this reaction iswhyI didn’t tell you.”
“I can’ttrustyou, Liv.” His hands tangle with his blonde waves, his eyes pressing shut.
“I have done nothing but be everything you want me to be, for years, Will. For years. But the minute I don’t let you control me, because thatiswhat this is, you can’t trust me?” I scoff, unable to meet his gaze as I feel him look at me.
“I control you, now?” His laughter is laced with venom as he shakes his head at me. “Seemed like we were on the same page until Ben showed up.”
“A page you chose! When, in the past two years, have we made choices that center me? It’s always about you, Will.”
“So this is about control?” He gives me a withering look, full of disdain. “That’s fucking pathetic.” I feel anger climb upmy throat, incensed by his commitment to this narrative he’s crafting about me.
“You know what is pathetic? The number of times I’ve watched you hit on women,in front of me, and done nothing. What’s pathetic is how you let Gen cosplay as your girlfriend when I’m not around, and I blameher. What’s pathetic is how I let you speak to me, the way you did tonight, and turn the other cheek.” I feel tears prick at my eyes, frustration welling there instead of sadness. “I don’t even know how we ended up here.” I think back to the night of that kegger, the way he told me he’d been looking for me. The way he took charge of our conversation and how charming I found it, found him. “You know, that night we met I could’ve sworn you were looking for Lily.” I finally turn toward him, contempt settling in my chest.
“I told you?—”
“I know what you told me, Will, and it isn’t even about that. It’s about how from the start, it has never felt like I’m a priority.”
“Of course you’re my priority, Liv?—”
“If this is what being your priority feels like, then I don’t want it anymore,” I say exasperated, but with clarity. I think I’d been feeling this way for a while, but was just in denial.
“Where is this coming from?” His eyes search mine intensely, like he’ll find something he can hook into and reclaim, when suddenly, he scoffs. “Something happened, didn’t it?”
I narrow my eyes at him, the suggestion making my heart race. “How dare you, of all people, ask me that.”
“That isn’t an answer, Liv.”
“Of course nothing happened! Are you—” I take a deep breath, willing the chaos of this conversation to end. “I need a break, Will. I need a break from this. From you,” I decide, relief washing over me the moment the words are out in the ether.
“I don’t,” he says, his voice tinged with confusion and laced with panic. “We don’t need a break. What we need is?—”
“You don’ttrustme, Will! You just accused me ofcheatingon you.” I’m shaking my head in disbelief, his denial of the shit-show we’ve become astounding to me. I know I’ve been crossing lines with Ben, lines that I never should have approached, and I feel guilty for that. But I have not, and I would not, cheat.
“I…” his voice drifts off, his lips pressing firmly together. “I can’t lose you.”
I watch his jaw twitch, his teeth undoubtedly grinding against each other in irritation.
“Why not, Will?” I give him the chance to explain, to tell me why this fight should be like all our other ones. He opens and closes his mouth once, twice, before his shoulders barely shrug.
“I just… can’t, Liv.”
I roll my lips, unsurprised.
“The right answer would’ve been because you love me.”
