Olivia wasn’t wrong; I was surprised. Surprised by the way she presented herself and the way just her smile seemed to knock the wind out of me. She’s breathtaking, and the thought of her tight dress hitting well above her knee makes my throat feel hoarse and my hands clammy— all the symptoms of attraction that I have only read about and haven’t experienced myself.
I can’t feel this way, I think to myself, the weight of the paper becoming heavy in my hand. Yet here I am, staring after my brother's girlfriend with the realization that I will never get over her and I haven’t even had her yet.
The post game locker room vibe is infectious, especially hot off a win. The game was just a friendly, but a win is a win, and if the trap music blaring so loud that the floors vibrate is any indication, my ex-teammates feel the same way. I hear Grant before I see him, his boisterous laughter coming only seconds before I see him whip Andrew’s back with a towel.
“You’rewhipped, bro.” Andrew’s eyes roll at Grant’s accusation, but I see him bite back a grin.
“Yeah, well, you haven’t seen her. She’s got these?—”
“We’re talking about your imaginary girlfriend, again?” Will cuts in, settling on the bench near Grant’s locker, a towel draped over his shoulders and his back to me.
“Fuck off,” Andrew says, exaggerating each vowel, before he notices me. “Ben the fucking Bogart! In the flesh! Shit, come here.” His grin is the best welcome I could’ve asked for, but as I back out his quick, sweaty hug, I get the sense that not everyone’s glad to see me.
Will’s eyes seer into me, his irritation obvious.
“This is a closed locker room, or has it been so long that you forgot?” He’s fuming, his jaw flickering with more than annoyance as he slams his locker shut.
“Chill, Chapman. I invited him,” Grant says, like that should calm him down. Will just nods his head, his locked gaze unwavering.
“It’s cool, Grant, I’ll uh…” I back up, putting both hands up in mock surrender, because what the fuck have I done to him? It was naive of me to think I could come back and we’d turn a new leaf. That the hot and cold, ill will between us would just disappear. I didn’t want it to be like this between us, notanymore, but his tone grates against me and I find it too easy to dip into that all too familiar well of antagonism. “I’ll see you tomorrow at McKinley’s. Olivia invited me.” I shoot him a snarky smirk and give Grant a quick nod before exiting the locker room.
No part of me feels guilty for poking the bear like this, and that’s concerning. A year of therapy, nowhere to be found the moment Iprobablyneeded it most.
This is exactly why Morgan wanted me to talk to him before I came back, I realize, making my way to my car. A hand grabs my arm just as I’m about to swing open my car door and I defensively whirl around, relieved to see my brother.
“Jesus Christ, you can’t just?—”
“What are you doing, Ben?” Worry creases between his brows as he shakes his head at me in disbelief. He’s still in his game jersey, his duffel slung over his shoulder.
“I was attempting to go home, actually.” I’m being evasive, but I also don’t entirely know what he means.
“I’m serious, bro. Why are you even here?” It's eerie how much he reminds me of the boy I grew up with.
“I—” I pause, considering my answer. I came back to finish school, sure, but I could’ve done that anywhere. I considered it, but Astor was pulling me, calling me, like I had unfinished business here. Maybe it seems like I had a change of heart or just shifted gears when I left Astor, but to me it felt like I hit pause. Like a timeout where I just needed a minute to get my shit together. I came back here because I’m ready to hit play. I took a break and healed what needed to be healed. But I’m ready to get back to my life.
“Youleft, remember?” He’s accusing me of more than just leaving my responsibilities. It feels like he’s reminding me that I left him, and the flicker of hurt in his gaze would’ve been undetectable if I hadn’t seen it so often in my own.
“Yeah, I did. And I want to talk to you about that, about Lily. Maybe we can?—”
“Bro,” he drawls out, exasperated. “That’s not what this is about. Youleft, and the rest of us moved on with our lives. You’re still stuck in the past, and I don’t need you pulling the rest of us back into it.”
I’m taken aback, in part because he’s so flippant about Lily, which I haven’t seen before— I’m used to his soul being crushed by the mere utterance of her name— but also because he’s not wrong.
“I’m just here to finish school. Just want to get back to my life.” I feel defeated. This is not how I wanted this to go.
“Cool. Do that, then. But stay the fuck out of mine.” I shake my head in disbelief. I thought it could be different than this. “And while you’re at it, stay away from Liv.”
So this is about her. A shit eating grin takes over my face, that well of antagonism boiling to a point that it can’t be ignored. “Sorry, brother. She really won’t leave me alone for this story she’s writing— she told you about that, didn’t she?” I watch irritation flicker behind that gaze, but he quickly recovers, disgust replacing it.
“So what, you just come back? Try to get onmyteam? Try to mess withmygirl?”
“Technically, I was here first.” I can’t help it, at this point, but I decide to reel it back when I catch his hand flex. I know my comments go against everything I learned in therapy but it’s hard when I’ve been hearing around school all the ways in which Will mistreats Olivia. Regardless, I take a breath trying to regain control of the situation. “Hey, I’m kidding. I was serious when I said I just want to get my life back… but not at your expense.” I let that settle with him, watch him take a breath. “It’s been a while since we coexisted like this, Will.”
“Yeah, no kidding.” His jaw relaxes, but his posture is still guarded as he combs his hand through his hair.
“I’m not here to fuck up your life. I wouldn’t do that to you.” The words feel so perfect, and I mean them, but I regret them the moment they’re out of my mouth.
I spent months in therapy working hard to not be the version of myself I was when I left here. It took just a few words from Will, one seething glare, for me to dip back into the person I was. One conversation with Olivia and, once again, she’s consuming my thoughts, my conscience struggling to have any regard for my brother. I thought being a better brother to Will was going to be easy, but it might be the hardest part of this journey I’m on.
