‘You’re going to have to explain that one to me,’ I tell her.
‘OK. You might know Flipper but, by your own admission, the relationship ended badly and you’ve never had a good word to say about the guy since. So that should dramatically increase the probability of you selecting literally anyone else for yourdrunken shag, but it didn’t. That tells me that there’s more to this story than you’re letting on. Rosie agrees, don’t you?’
Rosie nods. ‘I put it to you, Tori, that your testimony is a tissue of lies.’ She’s obviously picked up on Priya’s tone as well and has decided to run with it. ‘Isn’t the truth here that you shagged Flipper as a deliberate act of self-harm because, despite your protestations to the contrary, you still have feelings for him?’
‘You two are out of your minds,’ I declare firmly. ‘You’re reading way more into this than there is. It was a one-night stand, which I regret. Can we all move on now?’
‘Prove it.’ Priya’s tone is defiant.
‘What?’
‘Prove you aren’t holding a secret candle for Flipper.’
‘How am I supposed to do that?’
‘Go on a date with someone else.’
‘Ooh, I like that,’ Rosie says before I have a chance to object. ‘It needs to be more than a date though. We need to see real evidence of romantic attachment.’
‘Hang on,’ I manage to interject before they can egg each other on any more. If I don’t put a stop to this, they’ll be demanding that I marry someone just to prove I’m not still in love with Stuart. ‘For starters, I’ve had two relationships since I went out with him. I think that’s evidence enough that I’ve put him behind me.’
‘Not necessarily,’ Priya counters. ‘They both failed, didn’t they? Maybe they failed because you hadn’t actually moved on at all.’
‘No,’ I correct her. ‘If anyone’s making stuff up now, it’s you. They failed because I seem to be pre-programmed to date men who are all style and no substance. Ryan turned out to be an enormous dickhead, and Jake’s vanity made Narcissus seem modest.’
Thankfully, before either of them can concoct any more nonsensical theories, Rowena appears with our breakfasts, so I decide to take advantage of the interruption to change the subject.
‘Did I tell you that Lily from work is going off to the Caribbean next month?’
‘Really?’ Rosie’s interest is piqued at least. ‘I’d love to go to the Caribbean, especially when the weather’s so horrible here.’
‘I know what you mean,’ I agree. ‘It sounds fabulous. An all-inclusive spa hotel in Jamaica, jammy cow.’
‘Sounds expensive,’ Priya observes. ‘Is it a special occasion?’
‘She’s trying to get pregnant,’ I tell her.
‘Long way to go for that. Can’t they just have sex here, like normal people?’ Rosie asks.
‘They have been, but nothing’s happening. It was Lily’s best friend’s idea, apparently. She seems to think they’ll have more chance of success if they’re relaxed. She’s going too, apparently.’
Priya laughs. ‘How incredibly convenient. “I’ve got the solution to all your problems, and it just happens to be something I want to do as well.” I wonder if she’d be so keen to participate if the solution happened to be an all-kale diet, for example.’
Rosie wrinkles her nose in disgust. ‘I’ve never understood kale.’
‘Me neither, and I’m a vegetarian,’ Priya agrees. ‘However, we’re drifting off the most important topic, which is Tori’s disaster date and how we help her to move on from Flipper.’
‘I don’t need any help, because I’m not remotely into him,’ I tell her mutinously.
‘Of course you aren’t. That’s why you slept with him less than a week ago.’
‘Harsh, but true,’ Rosie agrees.
I sigh. ‘What do I need to do to prove to you that I’m not interested in bloody Stuart?’
‘Exactly what we suggested earlier,’ Priya remarks, springing shut the trap she’s evidently been laying. ‘Get out there, find someone else and fall head over heels in love with them.’
‘Thank you. I will,’ I say. ‘Just as soon as I’ve figured out where Mr Right is hiding.’
