‘Yeah, but this is a wellness spa,’ I explain quietly, repeating what the woman behind the bar told me. ‘Alcohol is technically a poison, which goes against the ethos of the place.’
‘So what do they have?’
‘None of the usual soft drinks, because of the sugar content. They have a range of smoothies, fruit teas and flavoured waters. The closest I could get to a normal drink was a mango kombucha.’
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake. Didn’t it say anything about it on the website? Something like that ought to be in big red letters. “This is a dry hotel, so don’t come here if you want to have a good time.”’
‘I don’t know,’ I confess. ‘It’s not the sort of thing I’d expect to have to look for and, if I’m honest, I kind of let the pictures do the talking.’
‘I’m going to check. If they don’t mention it on the site, I reckon that’s grounds to sue.’
‘What are you going to do about your roommate?’ Rosie asks while Priya is evidently perusing the website.
‘Throbbert? I don’t know. I just hope a room comes free before I snap and murder him. I’ve never met anyone so unpleasant. If I end up in prison, will you promise to come and visit me?’
Rosie smiles. ‘I guess I could fly out for a week, stay in a resort that does serve alcohol, and fit in a couple of quick visits between sunbathing sessions.’
I laugh. ‘You’re all heart.’
‘You’re out of luck,’ Priya says, rejoining the conversation. ‘There is a paragraph on the website that describes the ethos of the hotel and, unfortunately, that does say that they don’t serve alcohol or allow alcohol in the resort.’
‘How are they going to know?’ Rosie asks. ‘Tori could go and buy a bottle of rum from the nearest off-licence and secrete it in her room somewhere. Are they really going to go through every guest’s belongings with a fine-toothed comb each day, just in case they’ve got contraband hidden away?’
‘It wouldn’t surprise me,’ I tell her morosely. ‘Even if they didn’t, Throbbert would probably find it and drink it, knowing my luck.’
‘I really am sorry,’ she replies. ‘Let’s hope things improve somehow.’
‘I’m not hopeful. At this rate, I can see myself signing up for colonic irrigation, just to get away from Throbbert.’
‘Ugh,’ Priya snorts. ‘Who on earth would willingly have a hosepipe shoved up their bum? Or anything else, for that matter? If I were ever to get a tattoo, it would be text above my backside saying, “No entry. Give way to oncoming traffic.”’
‘I saw a programme about it once,’ Rosie tells us when we’ve finished laughing. ‘They used a clear tube so you could see all the poo and stuff coming out. It was weirdly fascinating.’
‘That’s an image I really don’t need in my head,’ I tell her.
‘So, is there anything good about this place?’ Priya asks.
‘The beach is nice, and it looks like I’m not going to have any trouble getting a sun lounger. Oh, and there’s a handsome pianist in the main bar.’
‘Is there?’ Priya says pointedly, raising an eyebrow. ‘I’m pleased that you’re noticing other men. I was worried you’d spend your time mooning about after Flipper.’
‘I can’t believe you didn’t know he was Dan’s brother,’ Rosie interjects. ‘I mean, you must have met his family when you were dating, didn’t you?’
‘Nope. He never invited me to his home. Knowing him, he probably had another woman stashed away there.’
‘How long has he been going out with the current girlfriend?’ Priya asks.
‘A couple of years.’
‘Bastard. Are you going to out him?’
‘I’d love nothing more, but Stuart’s got his counter-narrative all lined up and, as he told me quite clearly, it’s my word against his.’
‘What a disgusting weasel. I think I prefer Throbbert, on the whole. At least what you see is what you get with him.’
‘I could quite happily live without either of them.’
‘Tell me more about the handsome pianist.’
