‘If we get a cancellation, I’ll make sure you’re the first to know,’ Cherry says soothingly, evidently sensing my discomfort. ‘Shall I order that extra bed for you now, though?’
I sigh in defeat. ‘Yes, please.’
Typically, the supposedly ‘tiny bit’ of paperwork actually consists of several long forms. As well as the usual ones requiring all of our personal details, there is a lengthy medical form that Cherry explains is needed by the spa therapists. Once that’s done, Cherry takes us through the opening hours of the restaurants and bars in the resort. As well as the main buffet, there is a sushi bar by the pool that opens for lunch, and a seafood restaurant that we have to pre-book and pay a supplement for. I’m amused to hear that both the pool bar and main bar open at nine in the morning; even holiday me isn’t up for alcohol that early, although I might be after spending the night with Throbbert, I suppose.
‘Right,’ she says eventually, getting to her feet. ‘All that’s left for me to do is wish you a relaxing stay with us. The porters will show you to your rooms. If you need anything, anything at all, you be sure to come and find us at reception, or you can simply dial zero from the phone in your room.’
‘Thank God for that,’ Robert mutters grumpily as we follow the porter with our bags across the garden. ‘I thought she was never going to shut up.’
‘She was just trying to be helpful,’ I explain. ‘Tell me something. Are you going to spend the whole ten days in a filthy mood, or is there a chance you might lighten the hell up at some point?’
‘Oh, I’ll be just fine, don’t you worry. A cold beer without you in my face and I’ll be happy as Larry.’
‘I’ll do my best to oblige.’
We fall back into silence as the porter leads us to a building and takes us up a flight of stairs.
‘This is your room,’ he says, holding the door open for us to go in ahead of him.
For a moment, I forget all about Throbbert and our situation. This room is stunning. If anything, it’s even larger in real life than it looked in the brochure and the bed is so big that the two sides could be in separate time zones. The porter places our bags on the side, wishes us a happy stay and disappears.
‘Do you think we should have tipped him?’ I ask.
‘Why?’ Robert’s tone makes it clear that even the room hasn’t cheered him up. ‘Isn’t the whole point of all-inclusives that everything is included? Surely that means tips as well.’
‘Sharing a room with you really is going to be a joy, isn’t it?’ I remark sarcastically.
‘Hey, I’m no more pleased about it than you are. At least I have this rather nice bed though.’ To reinforce his point, he plonks himself down at the end and lies back, spreading his arms.
‘And they said chivalry was dead,’ I observe caustically.
‘Like I said, this was my room before it was yours. It’s not my fault Fliss sold you a lie.’
‘I’m sorry, how on earth is this Fliss’s fault?’
‘She should have talked to me before doing her dodgy side-deal with you. I’d have put her straight and that would have been the end of it.’
‘And who would you have brought to share with?’ He’s such a miserable bastard that I can’t imagine he’d have any friends besides Amy and Stuart, who are already here, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what they see in him.
‘Why would I need to bring anyone?’
‘Because the whole point is that you need six people to get the group discount. If you’d have come on your own, the cost would have shot up.’
‘What? Fliss never mentioned that. Odd, because she hadplentyto say otherwise.’ The way he says this makes me think that the implosion of the relationship may have come about because she got so sick of him that she decided to tell him a few home truths. I don’t blame her; I’ve never met someone so objectionable. Leaving him sprawled on the bed, I slide open the doors and step out onto the balcony.
It really is beautiful here. The balcony looks out over the beach, just like the brochure, and I’m delighted to see that there are a number of vacant sun loungers, even though the hotel is evidently fully booked. The sea beyond is calm, with just a hint of a swell, and there are quite a few people swimming or paddling. There are sailing boats, kayaks and windsurf boards lined up on the sand next to a hut that advertises itself as the watersports centre. I don’t think I’ll be bothering them, although the idea of mowing Throbbert down with a kayak is oddly appealing. As I allow that thought to develop, I realise that a jet-ski would be even better. I wonder if you can hire one of those? For a moment, I allow the scene to play out in my mind. I’m slightly ashamed to admit that I’m smiling as I imagine the satisfying thwack of his head hitting the hull before his lifeless body drifts out to sea.
When I step back into the room, I find he’s emptied his bag all over the bed and is half-undressed.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask in horror as he starts to undo his belt.
‘I’m going to have a shower. Wash the grime of the journey off.’
‘You arenotgetting changed in here,’ I tell him firmly.
‘Why not?’
‘Because, Throbbert, I don’t want to see your naked body and, before you get any ideas, you sure as hell aren’t going to see mine. If you want to get changed, do it in the bathroom.’
