‘And your boss is OK with this?’ Priya asks.
‘It’s not ideal for him, obviously, because he’ll be short of two members of the team, but February is usually fairly quiet, and I think he’d rather be short staffed than put up with Lily’s misery.’
‘Wow. I’m jealous,’ Rosie says. ‘It’s kind of impulsive though, even for you.’
I smile at her. ‘In the interests of full disclosure, I haven’t signed on the dotted line yet. I’ve registered my interest, subject to one condition.’
‘You’re going on holiday, not buying shares,’ Priya interjects. ‘What’s the condition?’
‘I told her I needed to meet Fliss. If we’re going to share a room, I need to know that we’re going to get on. This holidaymay be a bargain for the Caribbean, but it’ll turn out to be a false economy if she’s vile and I’m stuck with her for the duration.’
‘That sounds extremely sensible,’ Priya agrees. ‘Is Lily going to set it up?’
‘It turns out Fliss has moved back to her parents’ house in the West Country, so a face-to-face isn’t going to be possible in the timeframe. However, Lily got her number from Amy, we’ve exchanged a couple of texts and we’re going to have a call later. According to Lily, she’s just as anxious as me, although she did say that even sharing a room with Genghis Khan would be preferable to Robert. I think we can assume there isn’t any love lost there.’
‘Ouch. I wonder what happened?’ Rosie asks.
‘She probably caught him sticking his cock where it had no business being,’ Priya observes. ‘That’s the usual one, isn’t it?’
‘It might have been her,’ Rosie counters. ‘I was reading an article in the hairdressers the other day which said that there’s basically no difference in infidelity rates between men and women, but men are more likely to be repeat offenders.’
‘That makes sense,’ Priya says. ‘Men have a greater appetite for risk, on the whole.’
‘Do you think Martin would cheat?’ I ask her.
‘Unlikely,’ she tells me with a smile. ‘There’s risky and then there’s suicidally risky. Martin knows that he’d be unlikely to survive if he cheated on me. Anyway, why would he want to? I’m basically a goddess of sex.’
Rosie giggles. ‘Your parents must be so proud.’
‘Funnily enough, it’s not something I discuss with them, although they’re pretty liberal compared to many of their peers. My aunties practically had a collective seizure when Mum told them she and Dad had given their blessing for Martin and me to move in together.’
‘But Martin’s lovely!’ Rosie exclaims.
‘He is, but moving in together is basically like hanging out a banner advertising that you’re having sex, and having sex with someone before you’re married is severely frowned on by some of the more traditional members of the family. Auntie Bhumi still isn’t speaking to me, which is more than a little ironic, considering what her daughter is up to.’
‘Go on.’ Rosie’s eyes are wide.
Priya leans forward conspiratorially, prompting us to follow suit. ‘So, Auntie Bhumi spends her life banging on about how well her eldest, Aaisha, is doing. “My daughter, the pharmacist,” she keeps telling Mum, as if Aaisha were a sodding rocket scientist or something. What she hasn’t twigged is that a pharmacist’s salary wouldn’t come close to funding Aaisha’s swanky flat, BMW, Rolex watch and so on. They’re actually all paid for out of the proceeds of her OnlyFans site. She may be a pharmacist who looks like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth during the day, but come the evening, Aaisha’s making a killing from waving her hoo-ha around on the internet. In comparison to that, me moving in with the guy I love is pretty mild, right?’
‘That’s so unfair. Why don’t you say anything?’ I ask.
‘Because I actually really like Aaisha. I mean, I wouldn’t make those choices, but I certainly don’t condemn her for them. Also, if Bhumi found out the truth, she’d probably have a heart attack and I don’t want her death on my conscience.’ She leans back again, indicating that she’s said enough on the subject. ‘Anyway, let’s get back to you and your upcoming interview. What questions are you going to ask Fliss?’
‘I think interview might be overstating it,’ I reply. ‘I just wanted the opportunity to meet Fliss and see whether she’s the kind of person I think I’d get along with.’
‘You’re totally interviewing her,’ Priya says. ‘You won’t be able to help yourself. So, come on. What are you going to ask?’
I consider the question for a moment. ‘I don’t think there is anything specific, actually. You can’t really ask someone you’ve never met before whether they fart in bed, or whether they hog the duvet. I guess it’s more about getting a feel for the kind of person she is and whether we’re compatible.’
‘You aren’t marrying her,’ Rosie remarks.
‘No, but it’s quite an intimate setting, isn’t it? I mean, we don’t think twice about getting changed in front of each other or sleeping in the same bed, do we, but that’s because we’ve known each other forever. But if I’m going to do those things with this Fliss person, I need to know she won’t be judging me for having cellulite, or stealing my tampons, or whatever.’
‘Those are questions I’d love to hear you ask.’ Priya roars with laughter before mimicking my voice. ‘“So, Fliss. We’ve established that you don’t believe yourself to be nocturnally flatulent, which is definitely in your favour, but do you exhibit any symptoms of kleptomania where intimate female products are concerned? No? Great. Let’s move on to your views on cellulite, stretch marks and other bodily imperfections. Would you consider yourself to be fairly relaxed about such things, or do they give you the ick? How would you rate your own body in those areas?”’
‘I’m definitely not asking that,’ I tell her when we’ve finished laughing.
‘She might want to interview you,’ Rosie remarks after a few moments. ‘Have you thought about that? What happens if you really like her, but she doesn’t think you’re up to the mark?’
