With a superhuman effort, I throw off his arms, and he lets me climb out of the bath. Yanking my new white towel with embroidered flowers off the rail, I wrap it around my body. I still have conditioner in my hair. Fuck that. I’m shivering with cold rage.
‘I can’t believe I was about to give you my body. My heart. My soul. And all this time, you’ve been keeping this massive fucking secret from me!’ I scream at him, my heart pounding in pain.
Dain’s eyes open wide, and his hands white-knuckle grip the side of the tub. He’s never seen me so angry before, and I know I’m supposed to be calm and tactful, but I’m spiralling out of control. I have no benchmark for this.
‘Why thefuckdidn’t you tell me?’ I yell, tears running down my face, and try not to notice that Dain’s eyes have gone all red and watery. I’mnotgoing to feel sorry for him!
‘I ... I wasn’t sure you’d be comfortable with it. I thought you’d be put off if you knew.’
You thought right, buddy.‘Yeah, well, your butthole fingering now makes a lot more sense!’ I say sarcastically.
Dain gulps. ‘Can’t we calm down and talk about this rationally? I can explain.’
‘What’s to explain? You fucked Gareth, and you fucked Joelle. Well, you’re not going to fuck me!’
I storm out of the bathroom, clutching my towel, my hair leaving a trail of conditioner all over the floor.
***
‘IknowI should’ve told you. But as I said, there was a big chance you’d be put off, and I was afraid of getting rejected. So yes, I was avoiding having this conversation.’
Dain and I are sitting at the kitchen table. He hunted me down in my bedroom shortly after the altercation in the bathroom, insisting we talk. I made him wait until I’d dressed, sorted out my hair, and packed my tote bag. By that stage, my fury had dissipated somewhat. Feeling drained, I came out to the kitchen, feeling I owed him that much, though I’m not sure I’m in the kind of rational mind frame he requires.
‘So what—you were going to wait until AFTER we’d had sex? Then drop the bombshell?’
‘No! I almost said something when I came to your room. But you were upset because you’d decided I didn’t want you, which wasn’t the case at all. I thought if I could show you physically how I felt, you’d be more OK with it. And after we got together, well, I didn’t want to ruin the moment. So I kept quiet.’
‘You should’ve told me when I moved in—before we got together!’
‘I know, I know! But short of sending you online articles about bisexual relationships for no reason, I was in a quandary about how to approach it. What was I going to do, drop it casually into conversation? “Hey, Lizzy. By the way, in case you’re thinking of getting it on with me, I’m bisexual. Does that bother you?” There was never a right moment, and maybe I didn’t want to face it.’ He drags his hand through his hair. ‘But I was going to talk to you about it when you got back from Oxford.’
‘Lucky me. That would’ve been fun to arrive back to after dealing with Klint,’ I say, folding my arms and glaring at him. ‘Anyway, I’m glad I know now, and I’m not in the dark about your sexual preferences.’
‘God, you sound like my father. He said exactly the same thing after I told him, which is why I keep it to myself—so I don’t get hurt when people act like this,’ Dain says, his face souring.
‘I’m not like your father!’ I exclaim, hurt that he’s lumping me with him. ‘I’m not some man who doesn’t give a shit about you. I’m acting like this because Idogive a shit about you.’
‘Funny way of showing it,’ Dain grumbles. He pushes the sleeves of his black long-sleeved T-shirt up his arms. It has a heavy metal band on the front. Huh, I’ve never ever seen him wear a T-shirt or listen to heavy metal. It must’ve been something he hastily grabbed out of his wardrobe. Unless it’s Gareth’s ... Perhaps they borrowed each other’s clothes ... Aargh, don’t think about it. My resolve hardens before it can break. Time for the tough questions.
I take a deep breath. ‘Anyway, where do you see this going? Is it just sex for you, or is there an “us”?’
Dain leans across the table and grasps my hand, stroking his thumb across the back of it. ‘Lizzy, you know there’s an “us”. It’s always been there, from the time we first met. We’re connected to each other. You must’ve felt it too?’
I know what he’s talking about, but it seems like it’s me from another lifetime—the Lizzy that couldn’t stop thinking about him, yearning to be with him. Now that I know the whole situation, is it what I want?
‘But how is this even going to work?’ I ask.
‘Like with any other couple.’
‘No, I mean ... What if some cute gay guy strolls into town, and you like the look of him. Am I meant to turn a blind eye while you have sex with him and fall in love? I’ve seenBrokeback Mountain. I know how it works.’
Dain sighs. ‘No, Lizzy, that’s not how it works with me. If I’m in love with someone, there’s nothing that can get in the way of that. Well, OK, I was in love with Gareth. I probably would still be with him if the whole thing hadn’t gotten fucked up. It’s my fault. I was greedy—I wanted both of them ... But that was two years ago, and I’ve moved on. I had to for my own sanity.’
‘Has Gareth moved on?’
Dain looks uncomfortable. ‘I can’t speak for him. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, which is fine. I get it—he got hurt. But so did I, and so did Joelle. At least she forgave me, and we’re on speaking terms again, even if we’re not the best of friends. I’m lucky I was able to salvage something out of the mess.’
Personally, I don’t think Gareth has moved on, but I debate whether or not to give my opinion and decide not to.
