‘Pretty sure he has condoms. You know ... just in case,’ he adds.
‘Oh.’
Bloody hell. We didn’t technically have sex last night, but things are moving in that direction. So much for being horrified about sleeping together in his family home. I’ve certainly changed my tune. But it doesn’t feel wrong. It feels very right.
But still ... ‘Why does it have to be Kirk?’
Bailey shrugs. ‘Because I know he’s been online dating.’
Doesn’t mean he’s scored, I think snidely.
‘OK, where is he?’
‘In the lounge, I think.’
We walk in, holding hands, to discover an audience of kids watching a Christmas movie. At least I think it’s a movie, but then I register what it really is, and the blood drains from my face. Kirk’s hooked up his computer to the massive wall TV and is playing TikTok videos. I watch in horror as a young guy dressed as Santa drunkenly rides a bike through a village and falls into a duck pond. It’s got 5,000 likes and 300 comments.Way less than mine.
The kids fall about, laughing hysterically.
‘Play it again, Uncle Kirk!’ gasps Susie.
Bailey beckons to Kirk to come over to us, and he holds up a finger. ‘Just a second. This looks like a good one.’
Oh god.‘Please tell him to stop playing them!’ I hiss to Bailey.
He looks at me enquiringly, hearing the urgency in my tone. ‘How come?’
‘TikTok isn’t for kids!’
Simon hears me from where he’s playing Monopoly with Kate, Hazel, and Allan. ‘Are these videos suitable, Kirk?’
‘It’s fine. TikTok doesn’t allow X-rated stuff.’
Jennifer looks up from the book she’s reading. ‘It seems harmless.’ She peers at me over her reading glasses. ‘Are you OK, Holly? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
I nod my head slowly, unable to tear my eyes from the screen. Maybe it won’t appear. What are the chances?
The kids are now laughing at a bunch of golden Labradors being taken for a walk on triple speed. They’re dressed as reindeers with brown felt antlers and accompanied by the clown song.
Bailey is chuckling as well. ‘I’m not on TikTok, but maybe I should be. These vids are funny.’
Seeing he has a captivated audience, Kirk says, ‘They’re US ones. I’ll type in “Christmas UK” and see what comes up.’
My lungs tighten, and I find it hard to breathe.Oh nooooo!The chances just got a hell of a lot better.
Kirk starts scrolling through the top videos, then widens his eyes and looks straight at me. On the TV screen, my face has appeared in one of the thumbnails, but no one else has seen it yet. The back of my neck breaks out in a sweat.
‘Here’s an interesting one,’ he says in a sing-song tone.Don’t you dare, you fuck!
But I’ve obviously done something to Kirk in a former life. He clicks on it andturns up the volume!
My face fills the entire fifty-inch screen. You can even see a small red zit on my nose.
‘Yeah, so listen up, TikTokers ...’ My voice blares into the room like a loudspeaker. Everyone gasps in unison, and all heads turn as one to me. I stare at the wall, not brave enough to look at Bailey. It’s bad enough that he dropped my hand as soon as he heard what I was saying. I sound like a drunken lunatic.
‘Kirk,turn it off!’I cry, knowing the next bit is worse. But he either doesn’t hear me or refuses to comply.
It’s too late. There I am in the shower cap, swaying and slurring and holding the stupid hairdryer. Saying Santa is an arsehole and his elves are worse. Going on about how I hate reindeers, carols, and eggnog. Then giving the fingers and wishing everyone a crappy Christmas. You could hear a pin drop. The entire lounge is riveted.
