“Yes,” Lia said, and it was like a switch turned on in her brain, and god, it wasfreeing. “They have a live album—there’s a version ofThunder, Lightning CoBOLTthat was live recorded when they were on their Asian tour. But that CD washardto find. I had to pirate mine to even hear it.”
“Everyone complains about how KPop is all artifice, going viral and manufacturing, and I think a song recorded live counteracts that notion. It’s a different kind of authenticity, and the band gets to really show off what it would be like to experience them in concert.” Then, because her brain was already there, she continued. “Actually, it’s a good step if they want to rebrand themselves. Still CoBOLT, but a band that performs. They could do more festivals, really put themselves through tours and perform as much as they can. They’d beputting the band in a very different space, but it’ll be a good challenge. And they can find a new audience that way.”
He grinned. “Do you like Cal hyung?”
If the question had physically thrown her off guard, she would be floating somewhere in the Earth’s stratosphere. As it was, she only blinked up at her brother sitting across the room and managed a squeaky, “I like him a normal amount.”
“Oh so youreallylike him.”
“That’s normal?”
“Yeah. He’s really likable.” Teddy shrugged. But because this was Lia, and she was raised as a second child who had to keep putting her foot down and insisting she knew what she was talking about (even if she didn’t), she shook her head.
“I like him…a different amount than that. We’re actually friends, for one. And I would hang out with him if he asked. And that’s like, right?”
“Ate.” His face was giving, ‘don’t bullshit me.’
“I like talking to him and spending time with him,” Lia said stubbornly. “That’s like.”
“What’s it going to take for you to be honest with me?” Teddy asked, and Lia recognized the disappointment in his face, mostly because she’d felt that way about Teddy sometimes when he was being particularly stubborn. “Or even better. What’s it going to take for you to start being honest with yourself?”
“I don’t—” She didn’t know what was almost on the tip of her tongue, but there were so many other reasons why she was telling herself this wasn’t a thing. “He was my bias, that’s all. Parang ex lang ‘di ba? If I act all kilig around him, it’s just that. It’s all residual. And heflirtswith me, and hello, I’m not a halaman without feelings, I getaffected.”
Just admitting that out loud made her face feel hot. “I can’t let this be more than that, Teddy,” Lia pointed out. “People...people reject me usually. Or leave me. My best friendwasn’t interested in spending time with me. My job decided I didn’t matter one day, ganun lang.”
“But that’s notyou.”
“What else do those other things have in common? Ergo, I am bad at relationships. At maintaining anything. At taking rejection. I mean, I already fucked it up, not telling you any of this before.”
“It’s not a requirement,” Teddy reminded her. “It was an offer. You can take it or not.”
“Oh, that’s…thank you.” She felt the tension in her shoulders ease a little. “But yeah. That’s the general feeling. Just constant rejection that I haven’t found a way to feel my way out of. But I like spending time with Cal. He’s nice, and he’s thoughtful. I didn’t think I needed thoughtfulness until I got it from him. What we’re doing, this is nice.”
“Itisnice,” he admitted, having his own relationship with a brilliant artist named Andi, and yeah, they were great together, and honestly, Lia just wanted to be loved like that. Who didn’t? Who wouldn’t? “It doesn’t have to be temporary.”
“But it does.” Lia insisted. “If it’s temporary, then it’s not scary.”
“Nothing worth having isn’t scary.” It was like that one sentence was supposed to tell her everything she needed to know. “And you’ve never been a coward, Ats.”
The thing about delusion was that it lived on false hopes. Yes, intheory,he could see you across the room and fall in love with you. But that hope was so slim you could put it between two atoms. But what Teddy gave his sister was far more dangerous. Because this hope was something tangible. Something that could take root inside of her and grow, because she knew Cal. Knew his favorite song, knew the way he liked his coffee. Knew his warmth and his kindness. And those things were much harder to shake off.
“Also, I will point out that I only asked if you liked him in a general sense. Like, as a person. You were the one who brought up romantic feelings.”
Lia’s jaw dropped and she stood up to throttle him.
“We have a surprise for Lia!” Soobin announced suddenly, cutting through the siblings’ conversation, and Lia almost forgot that the band was on the other side of the glass, that they could probably see that she and Teddy were talking. But Mertolas were great at dropping subjects, and so Teddy pressed the speaker button again.
“W-what’s the surprise?” Lia asked, having already moved to stand next to her brother because she had been close to choking him. The band members exchanged looks. Soobin raised his arms over his head (surely it wasn’t just the drums that made his arms look so good?) and tapped his drumsticks together, one, two, three. Then the guitars started to play a familiar tune.
Are you here? Is it true?
Or are you lost in a bolt of blue?
It came to me in a rush,
Something better than a crush,
Take my hand baby
