She could picture the two of them in that space, eating food on the floor in front of the couch, constantly worrying about staining the white squares of the carpet. Could almost hear her music playing in the background—Maggie Rogers, maybe, while his disco ball slowly spun and made patterns all around the room.
It wouldn’t be such a bad life.
“Why didn’t you have a rug before?” Mara wondered out loud. Just wanting to stop picturing the life she could have. It wasn’t what he wanted. “If it is such a vibe.”
“Children are sticky creatures, Mara.” Jay tsked like she should have known. “I think every pillow of this couch has been flipped over twice from all the spillage.”
“Luna?”
“Some of it was Luna.” Jay laughed. “My sister kind of gets distracted a lot, so spillage was inevitable.” The smile on his face turned a little wistful, and he looked around the room again. “But the place really is big, huh?”
“I didn’t think new buildings had cuts like this anymore.”
“I got lucky with the preselling.” Mara somehow had the impression that Jay’s mind was suddenly far, far away, his eyes focused on some middle distance that wasn’t really there. “Maybe I can rent this place out and move somewhere smaller? Or somewhere closer to Ate?”
She gave him a look. Jay sighed. “You’re right, I should give them their space. Clearly I have more than enough to go around, though.”
“Do you not like the guy she’s marrying?” Mara asked, wondering if it was okay to poke at the issue a little more. It seemed like he needed it. “You don’t seem very happy about it.”
“No, I do! Nige is awesome,” Jay insisted, and Mara believed him, because Jay was a terrible liar. “He loves my sister, and he’ll be an amazing dad to Luna. I just… I’ll miss them, that’s all.”
He gave her a placating smile, one that was all lips, all cheeks as if to assure her,“I’m fine, I’m fine.”But perhaps she could push him. Just a little more. Get to the heart of what he wasn’t saying, because maybe it could help him?
“Or maybe you’ll miss the life you thought you were going to have with them,” Mara said, lowering her taco bowl. “It seemed like you were so ready for it.”
There was silence.
A beat.
A long beat that could also sound like a line being crossed. Had she pushed him too far? Why was she suddenly so worried about pushing him away, when that was exactly what she came here to do?
She’d come here because she’d resolved to talk to Jay. Not to display her feelings out for him to dissect or examine, but to have an honest discussion of how they were going to move forward with this. Because Mara concluded that while she absolutely enjoyed what she and Jay were doing together, there was no way she was going to be able to actually have sex with someone who wasn’t going to stick around. She didn’t want to share this with someone who for all intents was just going to add it to a list.
Did Mara know this about herself before she started fooling around with Jay? Maybe. But it wasn’t a hard line until she had to cross it, and it was good to know. So this arrangement was about to end. And he was over there wearing a Good Morning towel wrapped around his head.
Because she cared for him, obviously. Because she still selfishly hoped that maybe just sticking around, staying would be enough to convince him to stick around. There was a great guy out there in Makati who wanted to take her out to dinner at a fancy tasting menu place, who wanted her to showcase her art to the upper echelons of Manila’s art world. Someone who wanted her and thought she was beautiful.
But then, there was Jay. Jay, who only wanted the best for her, who was considerate and sweet. Who thought she was brilliant and smart. He wanted her to be happy, and he thought she was beautiful, too. And Mara’s heart wanted someone it had come to know well, someone whom she knew would treat her with kindness.
“I was,” he admitted with a downcast look. “Maybe I’m mourning that a little, right? I was ready for this life where I raised a kid and sustained a family. It was all happening too fast that there was no time to doubt myself or convince myself that I couldn’t do it. And I’m not angry, nor do I blame Ate or anything, but yeah. Suddenly my life is different, and I have all this…room.”
He sighed, and Mara wanted to give him a hug.
“I think that’s why I considered Hong Kong. Where else would I have the least possible amount of space to myself?”
“It’s Manila.” Mara chuckled. “Get on the MRT at rush hour and find out what least possible amount of space feels like.”
He laughed, dropping his head back against the couch.
That was when Mara noticed that the sun was setting behind his head, filling the room with warm, orangey light. Was golden hour the thing she was going to remember most about…whatever this was, between them? She could almost hear a sad, maudlin song playing in the background. Maybe “Nakapagtataka,” which was all nostalgia and standing under the rain. How many times could she get away with playing that song out loud before Mabel banged on her door and begged her to stop?
“Exactly,” Jay said, wiping his hands with tissue paper, holding out his palms when Mara held up her handy-dandy alcohol spray for him.
This was it. Now or never. Well, now or later. But if there was anything she learned from her time with Jay (was she already being nostalgic?), it was that you had to say what you wanted out loud. You couldn’t expect the other person to guess, it wasn’t fair to them, and even worse, not fair to you. Mara didn’t know what would happen next, but she was standing by her feelings. There were worse things. Harder things.
“Don’t move,” she finally said. Jay stopped moving. Actually froze like a witch had trapped him in time, complete with the stunned expression on his face.
She couldn’t help it. Her heart melted, and she giggled, pressing her forehead against the crook of his neck as she laughed weakly against his shoulder. Jay’s hand immediately went to her back, rubbing soothing circles on it without him knowing what was running through her head.
