“I’m not asleep,” Mara announced, turning her head away from where it was resting against the car window to glare at her youngest sister, stuffed in the back row of the Honda beside her. “I’m dizzy.”
“I told you, you should have sit up front na lang,” a voice piped up from the front passenger seat. David, the groom, in a Barong Tagalog that could have used one more session with the sastre. “You’re always dizzy pa naman in the car.”
“Well, we can’t exactly pull over and swap seats now, can we?” Mara shot back, her headache getting in the way of her usually pleasing personality. Ha-ha.
“In this traffic, it’s actually a possibility.” Mabel, shifting in her seat beside Mara, looked out the window on her side of the car and sighed at the terrible Tagaytay traffic. It was already pretty bad up here on a normal weekend—their family knew well to stay away. But a weekend just after the holidays? Absolute hell. Bad choices made all around.
Not that Mara was going to say that out loud. This was Marina’s wedding day! A determined Marina was a Marina that got what she wanted, and so, a wedding the week after New Year’s in Tagaytay with all the traffic.
“Are we there yet? I need to pee,” announced the bride from the middle row, solely occupied by her, her bouquet and the train of her bespoke Heleyna gown. The middle Barretto sister was gorgeous. She always was. But even more so today, on her wedding day, all glowing skin and softly curled hair. Even after a night of very little sleep, running on adrenaline and, well…love, Marina looked as beautiful as ever. “Ate, can we pee?”
Mara had this moment earlier at the church, of seeing her little sister walk down the aisle, her face luminous and stunning. A woman in love. It suited her well. Mara remembered beaming with pride, fighting back tears and thinking that this was truly, truly worth it.
“Fuck, I really need to pee.”
“Ate Marina, you have to stop saying that, because nowIneed to pee.”
So here they were, ten minutes later, in a bathroom of a Starbucks. Mara was hunched over Marina slightly, holding up her baby sister’s volumes of skirt, as well as the hem of her own burnt orange dress. Ah, maid of honor duties.
“Do you hate me?” Marina looked up at Mara with her large, sweet eyes, mid-pee. Her family always joked that it was impossible to refuse Marina anything with those eyes. Marina had a big three astrology placement of Cancer Sun, Libra Moon and Gemini rising, which made her the most in touch with feelings among the earth and fire sign Barrettos. Her face was all worry and innocence, and totally unfazed that this conversation—which they probably should have had months ago—was happening now, of all times. Of all places. Hay, air signs.
“Would I be doing this if I hated you?” Mara, with two earth signs (Capricorn Sun, Virgo Moon) and a rising fire sign (Scorpio, heh) asked. Her thighs were cramping, because she was still in heels and standing at a very awkward angle. She was trying to find her words, which even in less stressful situations wasn’t easy.
“You’re avoiding the question,” Marina scolded her lightly, ignoring the frosty bite in Mara’s tone.
“Eh.” Mara shrugged. “Alam mo na ‘yan, Marina.”
“Are you mad that I got married before you did? Are you mad that I didn’t tell you first? What are your feelings about it?”
“Marina.” Mara shifted her hold on both their dresses, feeling her back start to protest. She was pointedly avoiding her sister’s gaze. “I don’t—”
“I know it hasn’t been easy for you, all of this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, come on.” Marina rolled her eyes in a way that would have made Mara proud if it wasn’t directed at her. “Every person who found out I was engaged congratulated me then asked you if you’re okay to be…nalipasan.”
Mara wrinkled her nose in distaste.Passed over, which sounded so bland compared to how the Filipino word hit. Nalipasan sounded so harsh, like something terrible had happened to her. Nasaktan—hurt—was formed the same way, different root words with the same prefixes and suffixes (English major ka, girl?) to mean that something had happened to her. Something that wasn’t good, when in fact it was just…it was what it was.
Mara squirmed uncomfortably. Surely Marina had bigger things to mentally break down than Mara’s messy swirl of unexamined emotions. Mara knew she could say exactly what her sister wanted to hear—I’m fine, I’m okay. I’m so happy for you it makes me want to burst into tears—and Mara wouldn’t be a liar, because it was all true.
But the funny thing about being human was that two things that sounded contradictory could both be completely true. That as much as Mara was happy for Marina, there was a little box locked tight in the back of her head, one she’d labeled “My Formerly Delusional Feelings for David—DO NOT EXAMINE.”
Because David had been Mara’s friend first. Her office mate, whom she bonded with over work calls during the pandemic while they navigated marketing makeup to a world that didn’t need it. Who she got even closer to when work from home sadly ended, who encouraged her to open Wildflower. Owned 10 percent of it, in fact, because David was the kind of guy who put his money where his mouth was.
David was Marina’s husband now. And it had nothing to do with Mara at all.
“I could never be mad at you,” she said to her sister now. “Nalipasan is just a word. People will always have words. If it’s not me being unmarried, it’s me being fat, it’s me being in a job they don’t understand. And I don’t need to listen to them, because they’re not important to me. You are. And Mabel, and Mom and Dad.”
“And David.”
“Yes.” And her teeth were only a little bit gritted when she said that. “David now, too. Alam mo na yan, Marina.”
Two facts. Seemingly contradictory. Both equally true. One, that she loved that her sister was marrying someone Mara thought was great. Two, that Mara was not quite over that she thought David had been in love withher.
“Okay.” Marina seemed satisfied. She stretched and reached behind her to flush the toilet. “I just want you to be happy, too, Ate. Whatever that looks like for you.”
“Are you sure you want me to be happy, or do you just pity me?” Mara asked, genuinely curious. But when Marina winced in response, she knew her tone came out too harsh. Too sharp. She said too much, and it wasn’t what Marina wanted to hear. Mara decided to backtrack. “Marina. Please don’t focus on me. You worked too hard on today to feel guilty for being happy. And it’s good to feel happy.”
