“Kira, he’s a guy. And as another guy, I can tell you that admitting something is wrong, or that we’re upset about something, is like theworst. We were raised to think we had to be tough, we had to be the one people rely on. It’s the manly thing to do not to talk about your feelings. Kasi nga, lalaki. Laki. It’s literally in our name to always be the bigger person.”
“Ugh.” Kira scoffed. “I don’t accept that. It’s not healthy! And he can’t expect me to just accept that yeah, he’s suffering, and I can’t do anything? He can’t carry it around by himself, whatever it is. He’s literally organizing his cousin’s pantry just to avoid it.”
“I know.” Gabriel sighed, and she appreciated that he seemed to understand her side as well. “But I realized these things because I grew up with six sisters who never let me get away with keeping anything to myself. Who does Santi have?”
Me,she wanted to say.He has me.
“I can make dinner,” Santi announced, speak of the devil, walking up to Kira and Gab as they put the last of the chocolate molds in the ref to keep cool. Then Santi started to do that thing where he rolled up the sleeves on his button-down shirt, and very suddenly, Kira forgot what she was doing. Gab seemed to notice her distraction and nudged her with his elbow like, “girl, focus?”
Right, right. Feelings.
“I think I can whip us up some sisig quesadillas. Ate Tiana said she would teach me how.”
“Santi,” Kira announced from where she was standing, watching her boyfriend figure out dinner. She had no doubt he could, but there was a frazzled restlessness to him that was out of place. He didn’t have to run to her that afternoon, didn’t have to volunteer to make all the trips, didn’t have to do all of this. “Is everything alright?”
“I’m fine,” he said tersely, his voice suddenly sharp and caustic, like he was trying to cut something open. “Not everything has to be a crisis.”
“Are you sure, dude, you seem a little...on edge,” Gabriel noted, which made Santi look up at them both sharply. Kira was taken aback by the slight panic she caught in his eyes, but it faded quickly, and he looked away again.
“I’m fine,” he insisted. “Just let me do this.”
Gabriel turned to Kira then, as if to tell her that he would follow her lead on this. Kira made a shooing gesture, letting him know that she had this covered. Her friend promptly nodded and gave Kira’s back a gentle, friendly pat before he walked toward the open dining area where Sari and Ate Tiana were talking.
“Who is the best girlfriend in the world, with the best chocolate folding technique and the most organized system ever?” he asked the room at large, which made Sari exclaim objections because of course praising her efficiency was the quickest way to her heart, and caused Sam to groan, “god, oo na! Ako na, ako na ang single!”
But neither Kira nor Santi seemed to hear that, not when he was busily starting his dinner prep and Kira was watching him carefully. She set her ten-minute timer for the chocolates to finish cooling before she unmolded and got them wrapped. Then she leaned against the ref door and watched him.
“Please don’t look at me like that,” he said without turning. “I just want to help.”
“I know,” Kira said, touching a hand to his broad back, which was tensed, muscles corded tightly. Then she hugged him from behind, burying her cheek on his back, wrapping her arms around his waist. She wondered what happened, why he was so intensely focused on helping her. “You know you’ve helped more than you needed to. Very knight in shining armor, even if the princess does do half of the saving herself. Thank you.”
“I just wrote a list, Kira,” he said, rubbing his hand over her arm as if he was reassuring her, continuing his work. “This was all you. And our friends.”
Friends who had said “yes” so quickly that Kira was surprised by their enthusiasm. Even Ate Tiana, who had no reason to give them free rein over her kitchen or her generator tonight, had said yes in a heartbeat. Her friends were amazing. So was Santi.
“The list was half the battle, and I know you know that.” She chuckled, and Santi said nothing in response, still rubbing her arm and burying himself in his task. Argh. “And you know you can tell me, right? Whatever it is. I can face it with you.”
“Not yet.” He shook his head, and the insistence of that, his vehemence to keep her out of it, made her heart ache. “I can still...not yet.”
Still?she wondered.How long am I supposed to wait?
“Okay,” she agreed. “But are you okay?”
“No,” Santi admitted, placing his hands on the counter and dropping his head forward. “Everything is not okay.”
“Okay.” Her heart twisted in her chest, creating a dull ache for him. He looked so pained, and there was nothing she could do to help him, but wait. And wait. And wait.
“Happy New Year, by the way,” Santi said, turning so he was actually facing her, and god, the pain in his face was so obvious, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before. He brushed a hand against her cheek, like he was trying to commit the moment to memory. He smiled. “I don’t think I ever said it, when I came up to you.”
“You didn’t. But this is fun. I got tartufo and pesto for Christmas, sisig quesadillas for New Year,” Kira noted. “I’m sensing a pattern.”
“Don’t forget bruschetta for Rizal Day,” he said, catching her lips with his and making her melt into him, like untempered chocolate on your fingers. He did that so well. “Spanish bread for Three Kings.”
“And really good dick year-round,” Kira joked, and Santi absolutely blushed. Virgos.
“God almighty, please deliver me from all these horny people,” Sam groaned behind them, making a show of squeezing past them to get to the water dispenser. “I just wanted water! You do not have to have sex in the kitchen right now, there is a knife!”
“We’re having sex in the kitchen? I wish you told me,” Kira said to Santi, who chuckled and resumed prepping.
