Brock nodded firmly. “Neither of us are.”
The look on Lila’s face was pure relief.
I shared another knowing look with Brock. We were teammates, not competition.
And right now, Lila needed all the teamwork she could get.
41
Lila
I was a wreck that night, a mess of anxiety and negative thoughts that continued to spiral long after Jace and Brock fell asleep on either side of me.
It all felt sostupid, now. Every individual act. Having sex with Jace in my office a few weeks after the semester began. Wearing a sex toy to class one day. Grinding and groping in the student section at the basketball game.
But my anxiety spiral went beyond individual acts. It was stupid to do thisin general. Having an affair with one student was insane enough. Three was downright suicidal for my career.
I had always been the smart one. The logical one. When my high school girlfriends were going to parties and having sex, I played it safe. When I was in college—astudentat college—I made a lot of personal sacrifices in order to prioritize my education. I’d worked my ass off to get to this position.
And I’d thrown it all away for a little sex.
It felt wrong to boil everything down to that simple word. Sex. The way I felt about Jace, Brock, and even Cam went so far beyond physical that it made me question everything I knewabout love. But right now, with my entire career teetering on the edge of a cliff, I was thinking of things in the worst possible way.
I felt so stupid. Like a child unable to resist her most basic impulses.
Cam gave an update at four in the morning: it was going to take him longer than originally expected to track the accuser down. Days, maybe even a full week.
That only increased my despair. I didn’t think I could survive another day of this, let alone a full week.
But the guys all agreed that the worst thing I could do is reply to the accuser. Better to wait for Cam to do his work. Then we would know what we were dealing with.
Jace and Brock stuck around on Saturday, but their presence just reminded me of the trouble I was in, so I eventually kicked them out. But not before they came up with a plan that made me feel like I was living in a spy movie.
Brock left first, getting in his car and circling the block once before parking down the street where he could watch my house and all traffic nearby. Then, while Jace got in his car and left, Brock watched for any suspicious cars or witnesses to drive away.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t anyone who did.
Their paranoia brought up a good point, though: it was reckless for them to visit my house while someone was accusing me of sleeping with my students. Better to lay low for a while. I texted them about that point on Sunday, and all three of them agreed that it was a no-brainer.
Monday morning sucked.
I felt like a criminal with a bounty on her head. Walking from the faculty parking lot to the Criminology building, I glanced atevery face I passed and wondered if one of them was the accuser. In my first lecture, the class with Brock and Jace, I felt totally unnatural on stage. Like my every move and comment was being analyzed and recorded. When my two favorite students walked out of class, they didn’t glance in my direction.
Which was the smart way to act, but it only made me feel even more alone.
All day, it felt like my head was stuck in a guillotine. And some random person was holding the rope. It was almost impossible to teach my classes in this mindset, let alone sleep at night.
Cam wasn’t in my Computer Crime class that afternoon. I sent him a text to insist that he focus on his studies, that he shouldn’t sacrifice his grades just to chase after my accuser.
He didn’t respond, but he was in class on Wednesday. And when he left, instead of a smile, he gave me a determined nod.
It was nice to know I had allies who were trying to help. Even if they had to keep their distance.
But by Friday, when Cam gave us an update, my hope was fading again.
Cam: Still no luck. I’m making progress, but the accuser spent some time covering their tracks when they created that email account.
Me: What about that girl from my 204 class? The one who overheard me giving you an extension on your assignment?
