"You're sweating." Her brow furrows. "Nightmare?"
"It's nothing."
"Cade."
"I said it's nothing." The words come out sharper than I intended. I see her flinch, see the way she pulls back, and I hate myself for putting that look on her face.
"Sorry." I scrub a hand over my jaw. "I didn't mean to snap."
"It's okay." But she's wrapped her arms around herself, creating distance. "Do you want to talk about it?"
No. I want to go back in time and never let you walk into those woods. I want to lock you in this cabin where nothing can touch you. I want to be the man you think I am instead of the broken mess I actually am.
"Just stress," I say instead. "With everything Deck told us, I've been on edge."
"Me too." She leans against the counter, watching me. "But that's not what's really bothering you, is it?"
I don't answer. Can't answer. Because if I open my mouth, I'm going to say things I can't take back.
"Cade." Her voice is soft. Patient. "Talk to me."
"I can't protect you."
The words fall out before I can stop them. Natalie goes still.
"What?"
"I can't protect you." I turn away, gripping the edge of the sink until my knuckles go white. "Not really. Not the way you need. I can set up security and run patrols and train you to defend yourself, but at the end of the day, if he wants to get to you badly enough, he will."
"That's not..."
"It is." I cut her off. "I've seen it happen. Overseas, here, everywhere. People with all the resources in the world still lose the ones they love. Still fail the people counting on them. I watched half my team die because I couldn't get to them fast enough, and they were trained soldiers. You're..."
I stop. Breathe. Try to find words that don't sound like I'm calling her weak.
"You're not trained for this," I finish lamely. "And I keep thinking about what happens if he shows up and I'm not here. If he catches you alone. If he..."
"If he kills me?"
The bluntness of it makes me flinch. "Yeah."
Natalie is quiet for a long moment. When she speaks, her voice is calm. Too calm.
"So what are you saying? That I should leave?"
"No." The word tears out of me. "That's not what I'm saying."
"Then what are you saying? Because it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that this was a mistake. That taking me in was a mistake. That we are a mistake."
"Natalie..."
"No." She holds up a hand. "Let me finish. I spent six years with a man who made me feel like everything was my fault. Like I was a burden, an inconvenience, something to be managed instead of loved. I'm not doing that again. Not even for you."
"I'm not trying to make you feel that way."
"Maybe not. But that's what's happening." Her eyes are bright, and I realize with a jolt that she's fighting back tears. "You're pushing me away because you're scared. I get it. I'm scared too. But you don't get to decide for both of us that this isn't worth the risk."
"I'm trying to keep you safe."
