I have to bite my tongue because although I disagree, this isn’t about how I feel about her. She’s kind, compassionate, and caring in so many ways that it’s mind-boggling that she doesn’t see herself that way. So I squeeze her hand letting her know I hear her.
“I thought I would be okay, that it wasn’t a big deal. But then Harrison woke up that night and I didn’t know what to do. All I could think was that anyone else would’ve been better than me.”
It's hard to keep the disbelief off my face. When I walked into my home that night to see her cradling my sleeping son in her arms, I had never felt so much peace or love. Not once when I was trying to get Tristan’s fever down did I worry about Harrison or think that Hazel wouldn’t be able to take care of him or keep him safe.
Coming home to her—to them? It was the best feeling I’ve ever had in my life.
Hazel pauses, sucking in a ragged breath.“I don’t know if I can be what you and Harrison need.”
All that we need?
She’sall that we need.
Her.
Just. Her.
All the breath is stolen from my lungs at the knowledge that she doesn’t think she’s good enough.
She’severything.
“Hazel,” I gasp.
“We’ve never talked about kids, but it’s hard not to think about,” she rushes. “I know you’re already a parent, and Harrison’s amazing, but…I’m not sure if I know how to be a mom.” She deflates, all the anxiety and worry rushing out with her admission.
With everything out in the open, we sit in the quiet of the living room processing the information she’s shared. Hazel squeezes my hand tightly as if she’s afraid I’ll slip my fingers from hers, walk out that door, and never look back.
Nothing in this world could get me to do that.
I reach over and give her thigh a gentle, reassuring squeeze. “I’m glad you told me. But,” I pause, waiting for her to fix her tear-filled gaze on me, “why do you think you won’t be a good mom?”
She blinks rapidly looking up at the ceiling before focusing on our clasped hands. “I’m just not…I don’t…” She starts and stops, her mouth opening and closing as if she can’t find the right words. “I’m not Candice. I don’t know how to do all the things. Be all the things.”
There it is.
“Baby,” I say, scooching closer to her on the couch and tilting her chin up. “I don’t want Candice. Ineedyou. You areeverythingI need. Everythingweneed. You being exactly whoyou are is more than enough for us. Even if you doubt yourself, I don’t. I’ve seen you with Mason and with Harrison and never once did I think that you would be a terrible mother.”
She sniffles, her eyes filling back up with tears. “What if I mess up?
“Everyone makes mistakes. And if we do mess up, we’ll be there for each other and we’ll figure it out. I fuck up all the time. We know Cole and Wells have their fair share of mistakes,” she hiccups a chuckle. “You don’t have to be anything more than mine. Is that okay? You get to decide what role you want to take when you want to take it.”
Hazel bites her lip. “But you’re not mad or going to break up with me?” She seems genuinely surprised and now the worry hidden in every line of her face makes more sense.
She expected this conversation to end in heartbreak.
The answer is so simple that I don’t have to think about it. “No. Never crossed my mind.”
Her eyebrows furrow. “Then what are you?”
“Completely in love with you, now more than ever.” Her gaze flicks across my smiling face searching it for a hint of a lie. “Hazel, I’d be more concerned if you didn’t think about it. Trust me, I understand what it’s like to become a parent overnight.” My palm glides along her thigh in comfort.
Hazel’s whole body seems to loosen as she exhales, leaning forward to place her forehead against mine. “Thank you,” she whispers. “I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear that.” She snorts. “I feel so stupid now.”
Wild hair tickles my cheeks and I brush it away, tucking it behind her ears before kissing her lips. “You’re not stupid. You care. There’s a difference.” I won’t point out how her simply recognizing the fear and talking about it makes her better than some people I know. “Please don’t go thinking that you’re not everything we need.”
Hazel nods, kissing my lips once more. “I love you.”
With the heaviness of the conversation dissipating, I finally bridge the gap between us, pulling her into my lap and holding her like I’ve been longing to. We have the whole weekend, the rest of our lives, for me to show her how much she’s loved.
