Candice’s eyes widen as the realization hits. Whatever it was she thought I was going to say, clearly, this wasn’t anywhere near what she was thinking. She blinks slowly. “Wow.”
An invisible weight has been lifted off my chest at my admission, but that doesn’t make the words any easier. “Yeah.”
With impeccable timing, the waitress comes by to check on us. I’ve been pushing the food around my plate and when she offers to take it, I don’t hesitate.
“You know,” Candice chimes in before our waitress leaves, “I’m thinking we need some chocolate. Split a lava cake with me?” She doesn’t even wait for my answer before placing the order.
“You in desperate need of chocolate?” I force a laugh trying to ease the tension. Dessert at a restaurant is normally a special occasion situation.
“Oh this isn’t a ‘me’ thing, it’s a ‘we’ thing.Weneed gooey chocolatey deliciousness.” I won’t argue with her on that. She takes a long drink of water. “I’m ready to listen when you’re ready to talk.”
She isn’t going to let this go, and if I were her, I wouldn’t either. You can’t just drop a bomb like that and not elaborate.
“I don’t know, Candice. What if I wasn’t supposed to be a mom? What if I was always only supposed to be the fun aunt who has responsibility for a short time frame? Be the fun aunt, load ‘em up with chocolate and caffeine before sending them home to their parents. I don’t know the first thing about raising a kid, or taking care of one, let alone how to keep one alive.”
“First, next time you watch Mason we’ll make it a sleepover so you have to deal with the ramifications of your sugar-doping actions.” A genuine laugh bubbles up my throat. “Second, not for one second do I think that you were only meant to be a fun aunt. You are a fun aunt, but you are so much more than that. You know how to raise a kid because you already help with Mason. You teach him just as much about how to be a good human being as Tony and I do. Keeping a kid alive is a whole other thing,” she shakes her head. “But Hazel, I think you’d be a great mom.”
How is she able to flip everything upside down? Everything that I’ve been telling myself for weeks, she blows right through in seconds.
I shake my head. “It still doesn’t change how I feel.”
The waitress places the dessert in the middle of the table and my mouth waters. Chocolate cake topped with ice cream dribbling down the sides covered in hot fudge. Yum.
Candice scoops out a mouthful of cake. “How does Grant feel about all this?”
I laugh ironically picking up my spoon, stabbing the cake and watching the chocolate ooze out. “I haven’t told him.”
If looks could kill, I’d be dead. “Hazel,” she scorns. “How have you not told him about this?”
“What’s he supposed to say? It’s not like he can change anything. He’s adadand that’s never going to change.”
Candice thinks around a bite of cake. “How do you know what he’s going to say if you haven’t told him? Has he said anything to make you doubt that you wouldn’t be a good mother?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Then what is it? Why are you putting all this stress on yourself?”
The question is simple but the answer isn’t.
“What if I mess up? What if I do or say the wrong thing? I don’t know how to be a mom.”
Candice forces laughter. “I hate to break it to you, but no one knows how to be a mom. Most of the time, you make it up as you go and hope you don’t screw the kid up in the process.” She shoves a dollop of ice cream in her mouth. “You probably will screw up at some point. But, then again, that’s also the beauty of motherhood. It’s joy, heartache, pain, mistakes, forgiveness, growth, love—so much love,” she smiles. “I’m not saying it’ll be easy or that it’s for everyone, but no one’s asking you to be perfect.”
I know what she’s saying is true, but still doubt lingers. “How do you handle it all?”
She laughs like I’ve told the funniest joke she’s ever heard. “I don’t. I’m not even close to perfect. Tony would be morethan happy to share all my shortcomings,” she snorts. “Talk to Grant. Let him know what you’re feeling. Maybe it’ll ease all this worry.”
Just talking with Candice has helped take off some of the heaviness I feel. But she’s right. The only person who can help with this is Grant, but it’s a conversation I’m scared of.
“Are you going to eat the whole thing or are you going to save some for me?” Candice has been shoveling cake, fudge, and ice cream into her mouth only taking a breath to help ease my concern.
“Fine,” she says around a mouthful, “I’ll let you have the last bite.” But she doesn’t stop dipping her spoon in for another mouthful. “But you’re going to feel bad when I tell you my secret.”
“What secret?”
Chapter Ten
Grant
