I can’t imagine myself in her shoes.
There’s no way I can keep up.
I’m not sure I have what it takes to be a mother. I’m not Candice. I can’t patch up a boo-boo with a kiss. I can’t even comfort a crying child properly. All I’ve done is hold Harrison and tell him his dad would be home soon. Nothing about this says mother material.
All my internal ramblings and turmoil take up so much of my brain power that I don’t even register Grant's back.
Keys clack against the countertop startling me and I squeeze Harrison tighter. “Sorry,” Grant whispers, “I thought you’d beasleep.” His blue eyes are puffy, his face gaunt from lack of sleep. It’s late and we’re both exhausted. With heavy steps he walks towards the couch leaning down and kissing me softly before whispering, “He woke up?”
“Yeah,” I yawn. “I think he had a nightmare. He wouldn’t let me put him down.” Grant lowers himself to sit next to me, his hand resting on mine where it’s placed on his son's back, and laying his head on my shoulder letting out an exhausted sigh. “How’s Tristan?”
“Got his fever down, but it took a while. I’ll stop by tomorrow morning to check on him.” Exhaustion weighs heavy on him, on all of us. He kisses my shoulder. “Let’s go to bed.”
Grant carefully unwinds his son from around me, lifting him easily into his arms, but not before giving me another quick kiss. Even when he’s bone tired after a long night and with his sleeping child in his arms, he’s still making me feel special.
Loved.
I wait for him in the hallway as he puts his son back to bed. He said we’re going to bed, but I don’t know if he meant alone.
When Grant emerges from Harrison’s room he wraps me in a warm hug. I cling to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and letting myself bask in his love. “Thank you,” Grant sighs, his lips pressing against my head. “For being here. For taking care of Harrison. You have no idea how much you mean to me.”
Something in the softness of his voice has tears stinging my eyes. I pull back looking up into his tired face. “You’re welcome.” He kisses me, this time without the obstacle of his sleeping son. I must look like a hot mess, but he manages to make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
“Come to bed.”
I offer to drive myself home, but Grant won’t hear it. There’s no way he’s letting me drive home this late and this tired. Thisprotective streak in him leaves me swooning. I never imagined someone caring about me so much, loving me so much.
He sets out toiletries for me and lays out one of his t-shirts for me to sleep in. I’ve seen him shirtless and in bed many times, but watching him go through his nightly routine feels intimate. What we have is far more than a handful of dates and crazy chemistry.
Lifetimes are built on what we share.
Dressed in only his almost too tight shirt, I crawl into his bed feeling a sense of security in him that I’ve never had before.
He pulls me against his chest, our bodies pressed together from shoulder to hips. Wrapped in his warm embrace, I can’t help but think about how his son clung to me and the emotions that brought up.
I’m secure about him. I’m not so sure about myself.
“Grant?” His whispered name lingers in the silence of the room.
Warm lips press against my neck. “Hmm?”
It’s not the time to bring this up. It’s late and we’re both tired. “Never mind.”
Grant sighs heavily against my neck before tightening his hold around me and slipping back into sleep.
***
The Blue Dinos soccer team has made it to the end of their soccer season and in typical Candice fashion, she’s gone all out. Not only have she and Tony set up a canopy, but they’ve also tied up a large blue banner complete with the team name and colorful dinosaurs. Inside parents set up tables stocked with snacks and set out individualized bags of goodies for each boy.
All I brought was a measly chair.
And now it’s back, that feeling that’s been lingering. It’s never really gone away. Every time there’s a quiet moment it flashes in my mind like a neon light: Not Mother Material.
How can such a simple thing as watching my boyfriend's kid for a night set me off like this?
If I’m honest with myself, I know exactly why. It’s not just that he’s a kid I was babysitting. He’sGrant’skid. It brought up my biggest insecurities and I don’t know how to deal with it.
What’s worse is that I don’t know how to bring this up to Grant.
