We’re both different and yet the same. What we had in the past clicks together in the present, every piece of the puzzle fitting perfectly.Except one…
The crackling fire draws my gaze, and I lean forward resting my elbows on my knees. Hypnotizing flames lock me into their dance, my mind focusing on the one thing that doesn’t make sense: why she had left me in the first place.
Cara must sense my shift in focus because she leans into her chair and sighs, her hands clasped around the warm mug of hot chocolate. “This was a good idea. Well done, Smith.” She’s folded her legs on the seat, the blanket draped over her. She looks so fucking perfect sitting in front of me. So relaxed as she tilts her head back to look at the star-flecked sky.
I hum in response, turning back to the flames and sucking in a steadying breath. Because I know the question I’m about to ask could shatter this illusion of perfection. Ruin the work it’s taken to get us to this point. The point where the woman I’m in love with, have been in love with, could tuck tail and run. Run away from me, away from everything we could be. My eyes slide closed, gathering this moment in my memory, of how we are right now.
Her quiet voice cuts through the stillness. “What are you thinking about? You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.” The fire lets out a loud pop, the embers catching in the breeze.
“I’m not sure you want to know,” I admit, letting out a sigh. She waits patiently as I gather the strength to ask the question that’s been burning in me for years. Emotion stings my eyes, my throat clearing on impulse. “Why did you leave?” My voice breaks on the question, overcome with emotion. Tears fill my eyes and I look at Cara. “I don’t understand what happened, what I did to have you leave me without a trace. I looked for you, you know. Your apartment, friend's houses, places we hung out at. I can’t figure out why.”
Cara freezes, her eyes welling with tears. She swallows, those perfect lips parting slightly before closing again. It’s like she’s on the verge of telling me what happened before shutting down again. Her face, like mine, is twisted with grief.
“Please,” I beg.
As if in a daze, Cara sets her mug on the table between our two chairs, the blanket wrapped around her shoulders slipping down to her waist. She rolls her shoulders giving me a hint about the emotions rolling through her. “Smith,” she starts, sucking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I can’t give you an ans—”
“Bullshit,” I hiss. “You know exactly why you left.” Anger and hurt simmer underneath my skin. “I love you and you can’t even tell me the truth.” My head shakes in disbelief, my hair scraping against my forehead with the movement.
Tears stream freely down her face as she stands, gathering the blanket around her. “I can’t do this. I need to go.”
“Right,” I murmur, linking my hands together. “Go and do what you do best. Run off and take my heart with you.”
Her face scrunches as tears drip down her chin and onto my shirt. She takes off at a quick pace, running away from me.
Again.
I don’t watch her leave because I fear the sight of her back shrinking into the darkness would be my undoing. I deserve to have an answer, to have closure on what happened six years ago. We both deserve that, because how else can we move on? How else can we grow?
Her footsteps have faded, but the sound of her boots on the gravel walkway lingers in my ears long after she's gone. The slowly dying fire is my only companion in the dark, cool night. I can’t bring myself to leave this spot, to push myself out of this seat and trudge up the stairs to the room where we slept only hours ago. To the room where she welcomed me into her body and back into her heart.
A fall mist settles around me, the embers of the dying fire winking out as the sun starts to rise. My hands have long since gone numb, a twin to my numb heart. One day slips into another and the only thing I know for sure is that today I will leave Rose Prairie and the woman I love behind.
Chapter Eleven
Cara
All morning the town square has been a flurry of activity. The Fall Festival begins this evening and will last through the weekend, and from what my customers are saying, they are thrilled about it.
Me? I’m exhausted.
Yesterday was a complete rollercoaster of emotions and I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about it all. I’ve barely said a word since opening the shop and thankfully Jessie hasn’t commented on my robotic state. I plan to keep my head down and try to not think because if I do, I’ll spiral.
I spent most of the night lying in bed crying my eyes out. Large bags rest under my eyes, my skin pale and lifeless. My dark hair looks stringy and dull, which is perfect because that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.
That feeling of being alive has been smothered by reality.
The coffee shop is full of visitors and newcomers in town for our special event. Business is booming actually. Unfortunately, I can’t feel happy or excited about it either.
Smith has taken up so much space in my heart and in my head that the absence of him, the idea of him being out of my life again, is painful. Was it a mistake to let him back into my life? Is this pain worth it?
Work fills any more contemplation over Smith and this pain in my heart. Time moves quickly as Jessie and I do our best to keep up with the growing line. When backup arrives, we both breathe a sigh of relief. Eileen, Jessie, and I are a well-greased machine, getting orders to our customers quickly. As the line dies down, I let Jessie and Eileen take over orders as I make my rounds throughout the shop.
People happily drink their beverages and walk around the bookstore looking at all it has to offer. Some stop me to chat but the smile plastered on my face doesn’t meet my tired, weary eyes. I notice that some customers even carry books around as they look and a tiny spark of joy lights up in my chest before it’s smothered once more.
Out the front windows, I spot Sammie and Levi working hard on the final touches of the festival. Sammie points to something, directing Levi as he carries bales of hay. She flails her arms wildly, her hair blowing in the breeze. Levi takes it all in stride, a cheeky grin on his cheeks as he does what he’s told. Watching the two of them work side by side, teasing and playful, reminding me of Smith.
Thinking the two of them might need a caffeine pick-me-up, I slide behind the counter and work around Eileen and Jessie. It doesn’t take long before I push through the glass door of Tall, Dark, and Coffee and into the cool fall air. I try not to glance down at the golden yellow and burgundy mums and my carved pumpkin sitting with them.
