But I can’t tell her.
She can’t know how hard I’m working to make our life better. I still haven’t told her about the promotion on the table or how everything has blown up in my face. She’s busy with work and wedding planning and I don’t want to overload her with my shit.
Standing in front of our apartment door, I take a deep breath before putting the key in the lock and opening the door. She’s there, her hair in a messy bun wearing my hoodie, curled up in a ball on the couch. She looks like she barely slept, her eyes puffy with dark circles under them.
I’ve fucked up.
I feel so goddamn guilty for making her feel this way. It’s going to end up eating me alive.
We’re both silent as we stare across the room at one another.
She doesn’t sit up, or speak. She just sighs and rolls over.
This, I didn’t expect. Maybe she’d yell at me or tell me what an asshole I am or some shit, but the silence? That’s new. Silence, I don’t know what to do with.
I’d take her screaming at me any day over this.
Not knowing quite what to do, I tentatively call out, “Hey.”
Why does everything suddenly feel so different? Something shifted last night while I was too drunk to function.Now my girl is paying for it.
She sniffles and hugs her bare legs closer to her chest. “Hey.” When she doesn’t look over at me, I know I need to leave her alone. Maybe she just needs time.
Walking past her and down the hallway to the bathroom, my mind is working on how to resolve the situation. My best guess is that she needs some space to think, but isn’t that what I’ve been doing? We barely see each other as it is now because I’m in over my head at work.
Hot water trails down my sore muscles as I think about what to do. The shower helps to soothe my aching body but does nothing to help me come up with a game plan.
When I enter the living room fifteen minutes later, Kate is still where I left her, curled in a ball on the couch. Her eyes are closed and she’s breathing deeply, fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, I softly sit at the end of the couch and listen to her breathing.
Things have gotten out of hand, yes, but telling her would put more stress on her shoulders, right? She’s already stressing about that chick at work and arguing with her mother about centerpieces. This would be one more thing on her plate.
Scrubbing a hand through my hair I sigh and look at the woman of my dreams sleeping peacefully. She’s the epitome of beauty and grace and I’m a fuck up who can’t share my shit with her. Why do I do this? It’s not like I purposefully cut myself off from her, but it’s my natural reaction when things get tough.
Old memories flicker through my head of the past two years. There have been discussions about me keeping things from her, not leaning on her, and confiding in her. Hasn’t she told me time and again that she wants to know what I’m struggling with? Even when I tell her that she’s perfect and it’s my shit, she wants to know.
Kate sucks in a ragged, hitching breath, making my eyes glance toward her. She looks exhausted, and I’m a fucking asshole. Her ring glints in the sunlight streaming through the windows when she lifts her hand to her eyes, rubbing the sleep away. Her blue eyes flicker to me and she sighs.
“I’m so fucking mad at you.”
“I know,” I breathe, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees. “I know.”
“What the hell is going on with you?” Tears well in her eyes, her voice shaky with emotion. “You aren’t telling me something and we both know it. You’re coming home late, getting drunk, and passing out at Noah’s house. Your best friend asked me if something was going on. I don’t know what to do.” Every tear that falls is a knife to my heart.
“I know you’re frustrated—”
"I don’t feel frustrated, I feelhelpless.”Kate sits up, crossing her legs underneath her, and turns to face me. “So helpless, Tanner. It’s like there’s nothing I can do to help you through whatever the hell is going on because you won’t fucking let me in.” Her voice rises with each breath, her hands motioning between the two of us.
“Sweetheart,” I start, reaching my arm over to her. “You’reeverythingto me.” She shakes my hand off and stands.
“You don’t act like it,” she scoffs, pacing back and forth across the room. “How can I be everything to you when you tell menothing? Nothing, Tanner.” Angrily she wipes away her tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. “For the past month, we’ve been like ships passing in the night. You’re never home. You don’t tell me about your day. You barelytouchme anymore.” Her voice breaks and her face crumbles as she sobs. “Do you even love me anymore? Because it’s starting to feel like you don’t.”
My soul shatters at her words. She’s my whole reason for living and she thinks I don’t love her anymore?
Standing, I drag her into my arms and pull her close. “Kate, I love you so much it fucking hurts.” Tears form in my eyes as I breathe her in. “I’m sorry I’ve made you question that. You’re all I think about. You’re the love of my life.” Kate cries into my chest with hiccupping sobs. “I’m so sorry,” I murmur over and over while we rock and back forth.
When she speaks, her voice is muffled. “You have to let me in,” she begs. “I need you to let me in, or…” she pauses, shaking her head. “You have to let me in.” Tilting her head up, I peer into those beautiful blue eyes that hold my heart.
“I’ll try, sweetheart.”
