‘Whatever it is, I promise you can tell me,’ she reassured, sensing my hesitation. She was treating me like a timid and wounded animal that needed to get her trust before I would let her help me. I checked around at the table to make sure nobody could overhear us. Everyone was still up on the dance floor.
I reached for my wine glass and took a long sip. I needed it for what I was about to tell her. Then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and began. ‘I did something. Last year. I’m not proud of myself but things were so bad between Hugo and me. We were already sleeping in separate bedrooms… there was no closenessbetween us and I don’t know… I guess I was just looking for some escapism.’
‘What happened?’
‘I had an affair.’
She gasped. ‘And Hugo knows about it?’
I nodded. ‘It was with a guy from the gym. He was my PT. I started personal training for something to do. Elliot had just started playschool and I had a few hours to myself in the mornings. My friend had recommended Kyle to me. She had toned up and I thought it would be something I’d like to try too. When I had first walked into his gym with the music pumping, I felt so old. The equipment looked daunting but soon, my daily gym sessions became the highlight of my day. He was coaching me, giving me an exercise plan and talking about what foods I should be eating. Instead of buying the latest handbag or shoes, I was spending my money on activewear. I found I actually enjoyed pushing my body to its limits, the feeling of quivering muscles and the sense of fatigue and the corresponding rush of endorphins as I challenged myself. For the first time in a long time, I was awake before my alarm went off. I had a sense of purpose. It was purely professional at first but after a few weeks, I found when I went to bed at night, I couldn’t get the images of his muscular arms and his broad, toned chest above me as he spotted me on the bench, out of my head. I would lie awake for hours, thinking about him. He was so different to Hugo – he was different to every other man I’ve dated. He was over ten years younger than me for starters and he had barbed-wire tangles tattooed around his biceps and even though I’m not usually a fan of tattoos, on him, it looked incredibly sexy. I knew Kyle could have had his pick of any of the pretty young girls that worked out there, so when things began to develop between us, I guess I was flattered. It had been so long since I’d felt like that. I thought my feelings were dormant but all it took was the slightest touch andI realised there was still a passionate woman trapped inside, waiting to get out. He was attentive, he listened when I talked and when his eyes met mine, it felt like he could really see me. It had been such a long time since Hugo had looked at me like that. For so long, I had felt invisible to him and now Kyle was giving me attention and paying me compliments. I guess it was an ego boost. One day, when we were alone in the gym, he kissed me and it grew from there. It was both exhilarating and terrifying. As I said, things were really bad between Hugo and me. He was never at home and when he was there, he was very distant. I felt so alone in our marriage. Kyle showed me attention at a time when I was vulnerable and I needed that connection.’
Liv was blinking in shock and I began to wonder if I had done the right thing by telling her. There was a certain naivety about her; sometimes, she seemed quite sheltered and idealistic in her views on things. ‘So did you end it?’ she asked.
I nodded. ‘It only lasted a few weeks. Hugo caught us,’ I added sheepishly. ‘He walked in on us in bed together.’
‘In your house?’ she asked in disbelief.
I nodded, feeling mortified as I thought back over the whole sorry episode.
Liv cupped a hand over her mouth in shock. ‘Oh my God! How did he react?’
‘Better than I expected, actually. He didn’t seem to be too bothered, which just hurt me even more. If he had got upset, at least I would have known he still cared about me. It just made the distance between us even greater.’
‘Oh, Maya,’ she said sympathetically. ‘What happened to Kyle?’
‘We broke up afterwards. He only wanted a bit of fun anyway; he didn’t want to be dragged into that drama. I’m not proud of myself, but I think in some ways, I wanted to be found out. It was a cry for help. A way – albeit a very desperate way –to get Hugo to notice me. I feel so invisible in our marriage and I was desperate to be seen by him.’ I shook my head despondently.
‘Did it work?’
‘What do you think?’ I asked sardonically. ‘You see how bad things are between us now.’
‘But if he didn’t leave you after that then surely he must still love you?’ she asked, clearly grappling to understand the whole situation.
‘Money is the only thing Hugo loves. He doesn’t care about me. I reckon he’s worried that a divorce will be too expensive. He’s a wealthy man but he knows he would lose a lot financially if we separated. My guess is he’s biding his time, trying to sort out his affairs and hide his money in places where I won’t be able to get my hands on it if we split up. That’s the kind of calculated thing he would do.’
‘Wow.’ Liv’s jaw was practically touching the floor. ‘So, he’d rather be stuck in a miserable relationship where you’re both killing one another?’
‘I guess so.’
She shuddered. ‘And what if you decided to leave him?’
‘I don’t want Elliot going between two homes and if I was a single mum, I wouldn’t have the lifestyle we have now. I know Hugo would have to provide for him but Elliot still wouldn’t grow up with the luxuries that he’s used to now. I grew up with nothing; I don’t want that for him.’
She blinked hard, clearly stunned by my honesty. ‘So, you’ll just stay?’
‘It’s easier that way,’ I said a touch defensively. ‘I thought counselling might help but it hasn’t.’
‘I hope I’m not overstepping the mark here but you deserve to be happy. No amount of money is worth sacrificing your happiness and mental health for. Life is too short,’ she pleaded.
‘That’s all well and good in theory but I grew up with a single mother who scraped to get by. Every day was a struggle to keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table. I think being in an unhappy marriage is far less stressful than a life like that, trust me.’
Chastened, Liv sat back against the chair. She had no comeback for that.
49
LIV
The DJ finished playing and the lights came on to reveal women with pale-faced, mascara-smudged eyes and sweaty-shirted men.
