‘Someone wanted to wait up for you,’ she said. ‘He can barely keep his eyes open.’
‘How was your dinner?’
‘It was good, thanks.’ I gulped, hating the lie. We had told her that we were going for a bite to eat in one of the restaurants in town because we knew she’d be worried about us if we told her the truth.
‘Aw, glad you both enjoyed it.’ She beamed proudly. ‘You two deserve some time to yourselves.’
‘Come here, sweetheart.’ I took him out of Pauline’s arms and lifted him up onto me where he buried his sleepy face into my neck. His long, curly hair hung loose around his face and he smelt of the strawberry-scented bubble bath that he loved. ‘I’ll go put him to bed.’
Pauline stood up and hooked her handbag over her head. ‘Right, I’ll head home then.’
‘Thanks again, Mam. I’ll call you tomorrow,’ Jay said.
I said goodnight to my mother-in-law and as she headed home, I climbed the stairs with Finn’s arms looped around my neck. I lowered him into the bed and he sank back onto the pillow with a breathy sigh.
‘Mammy, did you know that the Troodon dinosaur was the cleverest?’ he said without opening his eyes.
‘No, I did not know that,’ I said, sitting on the edge of his bed, tracing circles along his porcelain skin. I marvelled at how quickly his brain worked; although he was only five, he could remember the most obscure details about dinosaurs and bizarre facts. He never ceased to amaze me with his knowledge. It was hard to believe he was starting primary school in the coming weeks. He had got a place in the nearby school, which was only a five-minute walk from our house. We had gone into town last week and he had chosen a dinosaur school bag and matchinglunchbox and flask, his excited face beaming as we left the shop with his little hand slotted inside mine. Time was going too quickly and I was conscious that if we wanted to give him a brother or sister, we needed to do it sooner rather than later before the gap got any bigger. I wanted them to be close enough in age to play together.
Finally, he gave up the battle with sleep and drifted off. I turned on his bedside lamp, with its dinosaur-patterned shade, and tiptoed out of the room.
When I had settled Finn to sleep, I came back downstairs and plonked myself beside Jay on the sofa.
‘Here,’ he said, lifting a mug from the side table and passing it to me. ‘I made you a cuppa.’
‘Thanks, love.’
‘Did Finn go off okay?’ he asked.
‘He was out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was still telling me dinosaur facts even though he was half-asleep.’
Jay laughed. ‘I can’t believe he knows all the different ones. I can’t even pronounce half of them.’
‘He’s so perfect—’ My voice quivered as the emotion took over.
‘Hey,’ Jay soothed. ‘It’s okay.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m so pathetic. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with this.’
‘Hey, come here.’ He pulled me in close and I snuggled into him.
‘I want to give him a brother or sister more than anything but I’m too scared.’
‘It’s okay, that’s why we’re getting help and we’ll work through it together.’
‘I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jay.’ I meant it; he was such a kind and patient man. Sometimes, when I looked athim with Finn, I marvelled that they weremyfamily. I often wondered how I had got so lucky.
‘Me neither. You’re the strongest, most amazing woman I know, Liv and I’m lucky to have you.’
5
MAYA
Tuesday 8 p.m.
I sat in the waiting room and checked my phone to see if there was any update from Hugo. He had texted me earlier to say that he was running late, that he had got held up in a meeting. Story of his life. Just after eight, the door opened and I saw the same couple from last week emerge. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her skin was blotchy. She had definitely been crying. She looked up at me then and I could see her force herself to smile. I tried to smile back but I don’t think my face remembers how to smile any more. I guess she didn’t want to be here any more than I did. They walked over to the door that lead out to the stairwell. I watched as they passed me, how the husband put his arm around her, and my heart broke a little. Although I didn’t know them, what had brought them here or what they might be going through, it was obvious that he loved her. Whatever their problems were, I could see that they were united. They were both on the same page and anything was surmountable when you had the same common goal. I was trying to stay positive but I just didn’t have the same hope for Hugo and me.
The couple walked towards the door that led to the stairwell but just as they reached it, it flew back towards them as Hugo came rushing up the stairs and into the waiting room, causing them to jump backwards. I cringed as he pushed past them, talking loudly into his phone, disturbing the softly spoken calmness of the environment.
