After Jay had made the tea, we sat down in the kitchen. He slid a packet of chocolate bourbon biscuits across the table between us and the familiarity of the gesture nearly broke me. This was our routine,our life– all these little things that we shared together that made us,us. And now he was after turning it all upside down.
‘Where do I start?’ Jay began sheepishly, dragging his spoon around his mug in a circular motion.
‘At the beginning would be good.’ My tone was snipy and I tried hard to suppress it. I didn’t want this to turn into an argument. I just wanted the truth. ‘How could you not have told me that you were engaged before me?’ I continued. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Look, I’m sorry, I probably should have told you.’
‘Probably?’
‘Okay, then I should have told you.’
‘Yes, you should have.’
‘It wasn’t serious. We were very young,’ Jay tried to defend himself. ‘It wasn’t a big deal, just a silly, drunken idea that somehow spiralled.’
‘I’m not sureLouise Fordewould agree with you,’ I spat. ‘What age were you?’
‘We were twenty-one.’
I digested this new piece of information. He had been young. Far too young to be proposing to someone. I felt like asking him what he had been thinking getting engaged at that age but I knew it wouldn’t be helpful right now.
‘And were you seeing one another for long?’
‘A little less than a year.’
‘How did you know her?’
‘She was studying nursing too and we were on our placement together in fourth year. We met on a night out, got on well and started going out shortly after.’
‘You must have really loved her.’ There was a petulant note in my voice. I couldn’t help but feel jealous of this woman who had come before me and captured my husband’s heart so fully.
Jay shifted. ‘I don’t know… She was my first girlfriend but I think it was infatuation. It was our final year in college and I thought it would be a romantic thing to do before the placement ended and we both went back home but it was actually just impulsive and stupid. I didn’t have a ring. We hadn’t even met one another’s families. We had never lived together. In hindsight, I think I was worried because I thought we might not see each other as often; she was from Cork, you see, so I guess I felt if we were engaged, it would make things more secure between us. You see, I told you I was young and stupid.’ He smiled sadly and I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.
‘I wish you’d told me all of this. I understand it when you explain it all like this and I feel for you but finding out the way I did tonight was horrible, Jay.’ My voice cracked with emotion.
He looked distraught, as if this whole thing was more painful for him than it was for me. ‘I hate that I’ve done this to you.’ He reached out and put his hand over mine on the table.
‘The thing that gets me is how easily you lied and kept it a secret for all these years. It makes me wonder what else you might have lied about?’
‘I promise you from the day that I met you, I have never lied to you about anything. I didn’t lie about this either.’
‘You might not haveliedbut you never told me about it. I don’t see the difference. It’s a pretty big part of your back story and you kept it a secret from me.’
He flopped back in the chair and splayed his hands out wide. ‘I was embarrassed about it; I still am. It was a silly, childish thing to do.’
‘I feel like everything that I thought I knew about our relationship has been a lie. I’m going back over it all like when you first told me that you loved me and that you’d never felt this way about anyone before – now I know that wasn’t true! Or, remember when you proposed and you were so nervous that you couldn’t get the words out? Well, maybe those nerves were because when you did it the first time around, it hadn’t gone to plan and you didn’t want the pressure of having a second broken engagement? When you proposed to me and when we were planning our wedding, I thought I was special – I thoughtwewere special. I believed it was the first time for both of us but it was second-time around for you.’
‘It was special and itwasthe first time for me planning a wedding. The engagement with Louise was just a crazy idea.’
‘So what happened?’
‘She went back home and realised a few days later that we were too young so she broke up with me.’ He sucked in sharply. ‘Over the phone.’
‘Ouch,’ I sympathised.
‘But although I was heartbroken at the time, now I can see that she did me a massive favour. It would never have worked between us and more importantly,wewouldn’t have found each other. When I met you, I discovered what love truly is. I never meant to keep it as a secret from you, I swear, Liv but I was worried you’d think less of me if I told you I’d been jilted by someone else and then it became harder to bring it up. To be honest, I’d more or less forgotten about it until tonight.’
‘But how come your family never mentioned it to me? Not once did your mum or your dad say anything about it over the years or any of your friends. Surely someone would have let it slip or had you sworn them to secrecy too?’ I challenged.
