‘I was a mess. They told me she had had a post-partum haemorrhage. She was rushed to theatre and nobody could tell me how she was doing. I was handed this tiny baby to care for. I didn’t know what to do. Liv was in theatre and without her there to guide me, I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. I know I’m a nurse but I’m used to dealing with adult patients, not newborns. Finn was screaming to be fed but I knew it was important to Liv that she breastfeed him and the nurses were saying that I hadto give him a bottle even though I knew that wasn’t what she would have wanted. The midwives were great, they showed me what to do, but it was an awful time. Then, after Liv came out of surgery, she was in intensive care and they told me she had haemorrhaged a lot and that they didn’t know if she’d make it.’ He choked, trying to hold back tears. ‘It was so different from how I imagined our son’s birth. Nothing could have prepared me for it.’
I blinked back tears. I had never heard Jay’s version of events before. It was something neither of us had felt able to talk about. I squeezed his hand, once again reminded of how quickly things had changed for both of us. Of the fragility of life.
‘So it was traumatic for you too,’ Julia said sympathetically.
‘Well, what Liv went through was far worse. My experience pales into insignificance compared to hers so I don’t want to make it about me but yeah… I was really scared.’
‘Liv, how did you feel afterwards?’
‘I was devastated. It wasn’t just the fact that I almost died; I missed out on those precious first days with my son. Even when I woke up, I couldn’t hold him because I was too weak. I wasn’t able to breastfeed even though I had really wanted to. I knew I should be grateful to be alive – everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to survive – but I didn’t feel lucky. I felt robbed. I felt so guilty then: guilt because of what happened to me, guilt for Finn, and I’ll never get over that. I’ll never get those days back again. I always worry if I somehow damaged him because I didn’t get to bond with him like most mothers do at the start.’
‘You didn’t damage him, love. It wasn’t your fault,’ Jay consoled with tears brimming in his eyes.
‘There are no photos of me holding him until he’s over a week old. What mother doesn’t have photos of her and her newborn?’
‘It wasn’t your fault, love.’
‘I know that but it still doesn’t stop me feeling guilty about it. I… eh… I had really bad postnatal depression then when I finally got home from the hospital. The version of motherhood that I got was so different to how I imagined it,’ I choked. ‘I feel like I let Finn down, I let Jay down too… I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for how it went.’
‘I’m sorry you experienced that, Liv; it sounds really tough,’ Julia empathised. ‘Thank you both for opening up so bravely. I know this isn’t easy. Are you okay to keep going?’
We both nodded.
‘So now Jay has said that he’d like to have another baby. How do you feel about that, Liv?’
‘I’m terrified, to be honest. What if the same thing happened to me again?’
‘So what you’re saying, Liv,’ Julia said, ‘isn’t that you don’t want another baby, but that you’re scared.’
‘I was so ill after having Finn, I nearly died and then I spent two years in a fog of postnatal depression… I’m so scared of feeling like that again.’
‘But if you were pregnant for a second time, the doctors would be all over you,’ Jay interjected. ‘I’d also know what to look out for this time to prevent anything like that ever happening again.’
‘But what if it did happen? And this time, if I didn’t come through, I’d be leaving you without a wife, and Finn without his Mammy, plus there would be a newborn baby thrown in there too. I don’t want to risk it. I’m still traumatised; I still get flashbacks. That panic of waking up in intensive care not knowing what had happened still haunts me. What should have been the happiest time of my life was a nightmare.’
Julia nodded thoughtfully. ‘It sounds to me like you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Liv. Have you had any counselling to talk about the trauma surrounding Finn’s birth?’
I nodded. ‘I have and it really helped me process it all but then Jay started talking about having another baby and I felt all the old anxiety starting up again… I feel sick every time he mentions it. I realised I wasn’t ready and to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. We both love Finn so much and all I ever wanted was to have a big family and I’d love more than anything to give him a little brother or sister but when it comes to it, I just can’t. I’m terrified of something like that happening again. And besides, we’re already stretched thin financially.’
‘Come on, Liv, we’d make it work if we had to, you know that,’ Jay cajoled, reaching for my hand and squeezing it before looking back at Julia. ‘That’s why we came here to see you so you could help us work through it.’
‘I can certainly try.’
We talked some more before Julia glanced at her watch. ‘Look, we’re out of time now. That was good work tonight, well done both of you. Let’s pick up here next week.’
4
LIV
A wave of exhaustion floored me as I stood up to leave. I wasn’t prepared for how draining it was to revisit that time in our lives. I could tell from Jay’s crumpled face that he felt the same way as I did. We headed out to the waiting room where we saw the same woman from last week sitting there again but she was alone this time. She sat there with a glum expression on her face. She looked like I felt. None of us wanted to be here. Our eyes met and I flashed her a quick smile in solidarity. She pursed her lips together, not quite a smile but a silent gesture of appreciation.
When we got home, we parked on the street and climbed out of the car. I saw there were still children playing out on the green. They were on their school holidays and taking advantage of the long evenings. At five, Finn was still a bit small to be outside playing on his own but I hoped in a few years, he’d be out playing football and cycling his bike with the rest of them.
I put the key in the lock and went inside. I could hear the closing credits ofFair Citystreaming from the living room. We went inside and saw my mother-in-law watching the TV.
‘Hi, loves,’ she said, lowering the volume on the TV. I saw she was cuddling a sleepy Finn in her arms.
‘Hi, Mam,’ Jay greeted.
