‘Okay, thanks, Maya.’ Julia smiled. ‘When you say you haven’t been happy for a while, was this a gradual thing or did something happen to change things between you both?’
I looked over at Hugo; he was resting his head in his right hand and his gaze was lowered towards the floor. Neither of us wanted to go there. The silence stretched on between us and I questioned why I had brought us here. I knew we would have to get deep and dirty if we had any hope of saving our marriage but I wasn’t feeling confident. Hugo wasn’t going to engage and I didn’t want to rake over old ground.
The seconds ticked on, agonisingly long. Julia did nothing to fill the silence; she wasn’t jumping in with prompts or leading questions. She didn’t seem to find this excruciatingly awkward like I did. I guessed that was a tactic she used to make us open up to her.
‘I suppose it’s going on a while…’ I paused. ‘We’ve been arguing a lot and I don’t want Elliot to grow up in a home where all he hears is his parents fighting constantly. My parents spent their whole time quarrelling with one another and I hated it. I’ve tried so hard to make it work. My parents separated when I was young and I don’t want that for Elliot.’ I choked back a sob. ‘God, I’m sorry, it’s only our first session and I’m already crying.’I smiled weakly as I lifted my tote bag from the floor and rooted through it until I found a packet of tissues.
‘Oh here we go…’ Hugo said, rolling his eyes, as I fished one out and used it to dab at my tears. ‘She’s turning on the water works now.’
Julia turned to Hugo. ‘I’d like to remind you that this is a safe space, where each of you can express your feelings freely but in order for both of you to be heard, you have to listen. Hugo, you need to respect what Maya is saying, even if you don’t agree with it,’ Julia scolded. ‘You’ll get your turn.’
He looked down at the floor, chastened.
‘Would you agree, Hugo?’ Julia asked, turning her focus onto him. ‘Would you say that you argue a lot?’
He shifted in his seat. ‘I guess…’ he said weakly.
‘Well, firstly, it’s good that you have the awareness of how conflict in the home can affect children. Once you’re aware of the issue, I can help you both to take steps to address it. We can work on some tools to help you both communicate your needs without resorting to arguing.’ She turned her focus back to me. ‘Maya, can I ask how you feel on a daily basis?’
‘Lonely. Hugo works such long hours; he’s never there.’
‘How many times do I have to tell you, you wouldn’t have the lifestyle you have without my income?’ he snapped. ‘You can’t have it both ways.’
I turned to Julia. ‘I know we’re very lucky – we have a fabulous home, we drive nice cars and go on amazing holidays – but I can’t help it if I’m lonely.’ I turned back to my husband, my eyes meeting his. I wanted him to see me, to really see my vulnerability.
He hiked his brows, doing nothing to hide his scepticism, and I looked down at the floor.
‘You’ve a funny way of showing it!’ he quipped.
‘Whenever you’re at home, you’re glued to your phone, either on a call or typing an email. I’m surprised Elliot even recognises your face!’
His gaze hardened as fury consumed him. ‘How dare you!’
‘Okay, Maya,’ Julia said, stepping in. ‘Comments like that aren’t going to help us. I’ll remind you again that you need to show respect to one another.’
‘Sorry,’ I mumbled.
We went back and forth some more until Julia signalled that the time was up.
‘I know that it hasn’t been easy for you coming here today and sometimes, it seems like things are getting worse before they get better, but it’s a positive step. It tells me that you both want to work this out so I’m going to give you some homework. What I’d like you to do before our next session is to spend a little time thinking back to when you first met. Remember that fizzy, excited feeling you felt when the other was near? How you counted down the hours until you saw them again? I want you both to try and remember what it was that attracted you to one another in the first place. We can lose sight of it in long-term relationships but I think if you can see those qualities in one another again, that might help to get you back on track.’
‘Okay.’ I nodded. It was worth a try because I was all out of other options.
When we got home, Hugo silenced the engine of his car and we climbed out wordlessly. He stopped to inspect the paintwork, rubbing an imperfection away with his thumb while I stormed over the biscuit-coloured gravel up towards the house. I opened the door and went inside, closing it after me, not waiting forHugo to enter. I went inside and found our babysitter Lauren watching TV in the kitchen. She was our neighbour’s seventeen-year-old daughter. She was young, energetic and fun-loving and our son loved her. Elliot was already in bed, Lauren having done his bedtime routine. After some chit-chat with her, I was relieved when she headed home. Finally alone, I headed straight to the pantry where the wine fridge was located and poured myself a generous glass of Chablis. I had been thinking about that cool glass of white wine the whole way home. Who was I kidding? I had been thinking about it all day. As the wine glugged into the glass, I could immediately feel the tension in my shoulders start to unwind.
‘Straight onto the argument juice, I see,’ Hugo quipped when I went back into the kitchen. He was standing at our marble-topped island with its rich veins of grey, reading something on his phone. He didn’t bother to look up at me. Sometimes, I felt invisible to him.
‘Is it any wonder I drink, being married to you!’ I couldn’t help sniping back. ‘Even our therapist could see after one session thatyou’rethe reason why we’re there.’
‘That’s because you could get an Oscar for how good you are at playing the victim; you make yourself look sweet and innocent. It’s a pity she can’t see you now. Sculling back the wine, throwing out the insults.’ He stabbed his index finger in my direction. ‘You’re the problem here, Maya. Not me.’
‘I’ve had enough of you gaslighting me, Hugo.’
He laughed. ‘There you go again with your self-help mumbo jumbo…’
‘You keep blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in our marriage but you won’t take any responsibility for your actions.’
‘What actions?’ He splayed his hands out at either side of his head.
