‘Oh, aren’t you going to have something to eat?’ I asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
‘Ehm… Oh all right, I’ll have a protein ball as well please. Do you want to grab a seat and I’ll get these?’ she offered.
‘Sure, okay,’ I said.
I sat down at a table in the corner and after the barista had plated the drinks and the treats onto a tray, Maya carried them down to the table.
‘Thanks,’ I said, taking the latte and muffin off the tray. ‘My muffin is dwarfing your little protein ball.’
‘I’ve haven’t been to the gym in a while so I need to watch what I’m eating.’ She patted her abdomen.
‘Fair play to you.’ I felt a pang of guilt at my own lack of restraint. Maya was in great shape, with slim, toned arms, a flat stomach and shapely legs. She clearly took her fitness seriously. I wished I had that level of discipline.
‘Do you usually go often?’
‘I was going regularly,’ she broke off and stirred her matcha, ‘but I… eh… I’ve fallen off the wagon…’
‘It happens to the best of us.’ I smiled at her, even though I had never set foot in a gym in my life.
We began chit-chatting about the boys again and how they were settling in at school.
‘Is Elliot your only child?’ I asked, taking a bite of my muffin.
She nodded. ‘What about you?’
‘Yes, we only have Finn. Jay would like another baby but…’ I trailed off. ‘That’s why we’re in counselling, actually.’ I went to take another bite but I noticed Maya hadn’t touched her protein ball and I felt self-conscious, so I placed it down again.
‘Because he wants a baby and you don’t?’
‘Kind of. It’s complicated… I had a tough time after Finn was born and I’m scared of something like that happening again. I nearly died after giving birth and then I had severe postnatal depression for a long time afterwards so it was a horrible time.’
‘You poor thing, that sounds really nasty,’ she said sympathetically.
‘I always thought I’d have loads of kids, y’know? I was the girl on the road who was always minding the babies. I babysat for free; I love kids. But it took us a couple of years to conceive Finn and then I was so ill after he was born that I haven’t been able to think about having another. Now I’m pushing forty and even if I did decide to try for another baby, given my history, it might not even happen for us. As the saying goes, make plans and God laughs.’
‘Life has a funny way of not going the way you want it to,’ Maya agreed wryly.
‘I feel wracked with guilt about it all. Jay is such a good dad, he’s a wonderful husband and Finn is the best thing that has ever happened to us so it seems wrong that I don’t want to grow ourfamily but I’m so scared I’m going to risk it all if I have another baby. It’s causing a lot of tension between us at the moment, to be honest.’ My voice danced on a knife edge of tears.
‘Wow, Liv, you’ve been through it, haven’t you?’ She shook her head. ‘You just never really know what’s going on in someone’s life, do you?’
I smiled sadly.
‘Were you okay the other evening? I don’t mean to pry but I couldn’t help noticing you’d been crying and I got the sense you might have had a tricky session,’ Maya probed.
Water filled my eyes. ‘We were fine until we started going to counselling. It’s making me think about things I haven’t thought about in ages.’ I was mortified as I started to cry. Maya jumped up and grabbed a napkin from the stack on the counter and handed it to me. ‘I guess that’s the point,’ I added grimly as I dabbed my eyes with the napkin.
‘I see,’ Maya said kindly. ‘I understand it’s difficult for Jay too if he wants to have more kids but ultimately, he needs to respect your decision,’ she continued.
‘He does,’ I rushed in. I didn’t want her thinking badly of him; he was a great husband in so many ways but this obstacle had come between us and for the first time in our relationship, I couldn’t see a way over it. ‘I mean, he’s being so understanding but sometimes, I don’t think he really gets it, y’know? He keeps saying that it won’t happen again and that if I did fall pregnant, the doctors would be keeping a close eye on me… but it’s easy for him to say all that. It wasn’t him that almost died or that was too sick to even hold Finn for the first few weeks of his life. And even if everything went smoothly after the delivery, there is the postnatal depression to consider—’ I broke off, suddenly becoming self-aware that I was oversharing. ‘God, listen to me telling you my life story…’ I added, abashed. Maybe it was because we were both in couples therapy but there wassomething about her, a calmness or poise that made it easy to open up to her.
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Maya soothed.
‘I can’t believe I’m telling you all this,’ I said, dabbing at my eyes with the napkin. ‘I don’t even know your surname.’ I couldn’t help smiling at the absurdity of me sharing my most personal feelings with this woman and yet I hardly knew her.
‘It’s Laurence. And yours?’
‘I’m Liv O’Dowd, pleased to meet you.’
