‘Yeah that’s good. Say cheese, Finn.’
‘Cheese, Finn,’ our son echoed and we all laughed.
When we finally had taken the photograph, Jay crouched down before Finn and helped hook his arms through the straps of his dinosaur school bag, then we stepped outside into the warm September sunlight. It was as though the summer was determined to give us one last blast of heat before the autumn chill arrived.
The three of us walked hand in hand with Finn swinging between us. It was only a short walk to the school.
‘Daddy, do you think my teacher knows everything in the whole wild world about dinosaurs?’ Finn asked as we walked.
‘I’m not sure, little man. It’ll be hard to find someone who knows more than you, that’s for sure.’
‘I hope she does and she teaches me lots and lots of new facts and then I can tell you and Mammy.’ He lifted his feet off the ground and swung again.
‘You know, it won’t be all dinosaurs; you’ll have to do writing and practice your numbers and phonics to help you learn how to read,’ I said.
‘I already know-ded all that, Mammy,’ he said impatiently.
Soon, the red-bricked school building came into view in the distance and I slowed my pace. When we arrived at the gate, I felt a lump ball in my throat and my heart began to race as we entered the grounds. I hoped I wasn’t going to start crying; the last thing I wanted was for Finn to see me getting upset. I swallowed down the lump and reminded myself that this was a happy day.
‘Are you okay?’ Jay asked, picking up on my trepidation.
I nodded because I didn’t trust myself to speak.
Finn stopped and looked around at the other children holding hands with their parents as they entered the building.
Jay crouched down beside him. ‘Are you okay, Finn?’ he asked.
Finn bit down on his bottom lip, suddenly seeming unsure of himself.
‘It’s normal to be scared by new things but you’re going to have so much fun,’ I reassured him, hearing a quiver in my voice.
Finn looked up at me, his head cocked to the side. ‘I’m not scared, Mammy,’ he said, putting on a brave face. ‘Come on,’ he said, tugging on our hands. ‘Let’s go.’
Jay grinned at me and I knew we were both thinking the same thing: how lucky we were,how blessed. Then the bitter afterthought popped up, ready to crush me as it always did: how could I risk this happiness by having another baby? How could I tempt fate when my life was perfect as it was? It was greedy to want more instead of cherishing what I had.
Finn wriggled free from our grip, leaving us to hurry along behind him.
‘Come on,’ Jay coaxed, putting an arm around my shoulder and steering me towards the red-bricked building after him. ‘He’s going to love it.’
8
MAYA
I held Elliot at arm’s length to admire him and felt tears prick my eyes. The time had finally come for his first day at school. He looked like a little old man in his uniform of navy trousers, white shirt, navy pullover and bottle-green tie.
‘Looking good, Elliot,’ Hugo whistled as he entered the kitchen and began palming the marble worktops, presumably looking for his car keys.
‘Where are you going?’ I asked.
‘Work, of course,’ he said without looking up at me.
‘But it’s Elliot’s first day of school. I thought you were going to come to the school with us?’
‘I know, I had hoped I’d be able to make it but I have a really important meeting.’ He turned around to Elliot and stretched out his hand to give him a high five. ‘Best of luck, son!’
‘I can’t believe you’re going to choose a meeting over being there for his first day at school!’ I cried. I had been working so hard on not arguing – I was biting my tongue every time he said or did something where I would usually jump into the ring – but I couldn’t hold myself back this time. This was one of the biggest days in our son’s life and just when I thought Hugo couldn’t getany more selfish, he’d done something else to shock me. I could understand if he had a job where he was unable to take time off but Hugo owned his own company; he was only answerable to himself. He could take the morning off if he wanted to or at least have kept it free from meetings.
I saw Elliot looking up at us, his eyes scanning back and forth between us, and I hated the mix of fear and sadness that I saw in their depths but I had to do this for him. I had to fight for him. It was his first day of school; his father should be there. ‘Can’t you reschedule? You won’t ever get this day back again,’ I pleaded.
