It stained the blade, the Ground, and my shaking hands.
Chapter 20
“Death is a shadow that follows everyone and haunts some.”
- The Old Book
The blood wouldn’t wash out. No matter how hard I scrubbed, it lingered.
Four days had passed since Balor’s death. Four days of sleepless nights, seeing the haunting look on his face as he realized his death was imminent. A death caused by my hands.
Logically, I understood it had been his life or mine. While I was glad to still be breathing, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had sullied my soul.
I worried about the day I met Anam. I wondered if he would see me for what I was: a soul fit for eternal drowning.
I knew I had sent Balor there, but I prayed I had not condemned myself as well.
How was I supposed to get justice for my family if I could barely function after killing one of them in self-defense? Balor was vile and cruel, but his death still kept me awake at night. I think a part of me believed I would take down the Veilers through dismantling their very system of governance, not bloodshed. That I would find a weakness in their armor and expose it.
From what I gathered by listening to the dispersed chatter surrounding me, we were only about a week away from our final destination. Even though no one stated exactly where or what our final destination was, everyone was weary enough from travel to relax at the prospect of our journey ending.
Rowan had kept his distance during the past four days. He knew what had become of Balor, everyone did, but he never pushed for any details on the matter. I wasn’t sure if Renata had gone against her word and told him just how much Balor’s death had affected me, or if it was just that apparent.
Either way, he left me to my suffering in peace.
It was supper, and everyone lined up around the new fire that Yan had built. The standard bone-carved bowls were handed out, and stew was ladled in. I kept myself seated several paces away from the fire; I didn’t want to be that close to the others. I’d also lost my appetite over the last few days. While I knew it was weakening me, I didn’t have the inner strength to fight its pull.
I watched the other culled eat their meals and chatter among themselves. They didn’t care that I had taken down a Veiler. To them, I was still a traitor, and I wasn’t sure there was anything I could do to change that.
Footsteps fell behind me. Fire-lit red hair shimmered in my peripheral vision, and I already knew what awaited me. I pulled my knees closer to my chest to prepare for the onslaught of her judgment.
“Starving yourself won’t bring him back, nor should you want it to.”
I glared at her in silent reply. I had expected her to scorn me for being weak, but I didn’t suspect her to speak ill of one of her own. She rolled her eyes at my suspicion.
“He’s dead. You killed him. If you ask me, the world is all the better for it. Stop weakening yourself further just because you lack a spine and suffer from an overactive moral compass.”
There it was—the belittlement.
“What even is the difference between you and me?” I whispered.
“I’m not a sack of bones keen on further drying myself out like jerky. I’m not a pretentious—”
Growing frustrated, I growled.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” I twisted back toward the crackling embers, ready to forget our conversation entirely.
“If you are referring to my aptitude at killing, it is rather spectacular, especially given I’ve only ever used it twice.”
I darted my gaze toward her once more. It was a reaction that she surely had predicted, going by her smug expression.
“Despite the clothes I wear and the title I carry, I’m not interested in adding more tallies to an already too-long list. After Balor fell, I told you it was a burdento be responsible for even one death, self-defense or naught. That was not pity. That was me telling you I understood the weight.”
I wiped away the tear threatening to fall as she continued.
“There are people here with a ledger of souls that even Anam would be jealous of, but there are also those of us who do not savor the thought of turning into such cruel creatures of death and destruction. Every Veiled One’s story for donning the black is different, much like every culled one’s story is. So that is the true difference between you and me. I acknowledge the gray, whereas all you see is black and white.”
She made a point of gesturing to our different clothes for emphasis.
