“Swallow your mouthwash, and I’ll swallow you,” I say.
“Gladly. I’ll gladly swallow my mouthwash if that means you’ll accept my seed.”
“Don’t call it that,” I yell. “You wonder why our sex life is the way that it is. You’re over there wielding your willy around, asking me to swallow your seed.”
“Wielding my pierced willy. Don’t forget that.”
“You…mother…fucker,” I say, standing. “You’re really going to bring it back to that?”
He stands as well. “Just get them pierced like you said you would. Just…get…them…pierced.”
I move in close, going nose to nose with him. “Over my dead body.”
Spinning away, he screams, “Outrageous,” and then falls to his knees and buries his head in his hands.
“Well,” Sanders says, his hands clasped in front of him, his hair pulled in all different directions. He clears his throat. “That was…productive.”
Wilder and I are sitting on opposite ends of the couch with our arms crossed, both breathing heavily.
“You know”—Sanders scratches the side of his head—“I think I’m going to need a second to process this. So why don’t you, uh, why don’t you two head back to your cabin and maybe just…relax for a moment?” He lets out a heavy breath. “I’ll, uh, I’ll be in touch.”
“Thank you,” Wilder says while he stands. “We appreciate you listening to us.”
“Yes, that’s, uh, that’s my job.” Sanders blinks a few times and stares down at the floor. “Feel free to see yourselves out.”
With Wilder behind me, we head out of the cabin, shutting the door behind us. Without a word, we walk toward our cabin as anger thrums through me.
Once we reach the cabin, Wilder unlocks the door and opens it wide for me. The door shuts behind Wilder, and I spin on him.
“That was incredible,” he shouts, a huge smile on his face. “I’ve never felt more alive.”
Staring him down, I ask, “Have you lost your goddamn mind?”
“What?” he asks, looking genuinely surprised. “Lost my mind? Scottie, that was…that was unmatched. I’ve never in my life sparred like that. You just kept going with it, over and over again.”
“Because you were forcing me to act like a lunatic!” I shout. “Oh my God, Wilder. We broke him. We actually broke Sanders. I said to keep it tight.”
“We did. We didn’t balk once. And the way we fucking ended it, tying it back into the pierced nipples…you realize it takes comedians years to learn how to do that in their stand-up shows, to bring everything full circle to the initial joke. That’s a special talent, and we did it, on the fly, without even communicating with each other. Fuck.” He holds his arm out to me. “Look, goose bumps.”
Goose bumps?
He has goose bumps.
Is he really that dense?
“Wilder,” I snap. “That was not how it was supposed to go.”
“No, it went even better.” He takes his shoes off and then flops back on the bed, the shake of the mattress causing the handcuffs to clatter against the poles. “I’ve never felt so alive.”
“Are you really not going to acknowledge how badly you incriminated me back there? The basis of our marriage problems revolves around pierced nipples, Wilder. Pierced nipples!”
“A problem he’s probably never heard before.”
“Because it’s a problem that doesn’t break up a marriage,” I shout and start pacing. “God, I never should have gone through with this. I never should have thought this was a good idea. Now my boss’s husband thinks I’m a prude with small nipples and that my husband is a Velcro-hating, pierced sex fiend with a fetish.”
“I mean, the pierced thing is accurate.”
I pause my pacing and glance over at him, only to catch him wiggle his brows.
