A cringe takes over my expression. “Jesus Christ, is that how you talk while having sex?”
She doesn’t listen to me though. She keeps pounding. “Oh yes, right there. You’re hitting the spot made by the gods.”
“What does that even mean?”
“Look at my nipples. They’re hard for your penis.”
“That’s a first.”
“And oh wow, yeah, shimmy again for me.”
I point at her. “I don’t shimmy during sex. Only when I’m singing ‘Luck Be a Lady.’”
“Yes, you wear those nipple tassels. Shake them, baby.”
Okay, that’s enough. I walk up to her, take the Kama Sutra, and toss it to the side. “Stop that. They don’t have mics in here.”
“Then what was that sound?” she asks. “We don’t have cellular devices. They took them from us. There are electronics in here, and we need to sniff them out.”
She flies out of bed and starts sniffing the air.
I rub my hand over my forehead and say, “What the fuck are you sniffing for?”
“Warmth.”
Okay, seriously, Mika did not warn me about this. I know I said life experiences wanted, but having to calm down a paranoid woman because she’s sniffing for “warmth” while looking for electronics—that’s not what I had in mind.
Ding.
The sound fills the room, causing Scottie to stand upright in her matching pink pajama set. “Did you hear that?” She walks up to me and shows her arm. “Look, goose bumps. Someone is in here.” She hurries over to the dresser, picks up the longest dildo from the minibar, and wields it like a sword before walking up behind me and gripping my shirt, using me as a human shield.
And then, in the creepiest voice I think I’ve ever heard, a voice that will haunt me in my dreams until the day I die, she says, “Come out, come out wherever you are. We’re ready to play with you.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shout and then shake her off me. “Jesus Christ, Scottie, it’s probably just a smoke detector needing a new battery.”
She lets that process for a second and then stands taller. “Huh, you know, I never thought about that.”
“No, instead, you go right to trying to beat someone with a ten-pound dildo.”
She crosses her arms at her chest and juts her hip out. “You know, must be nice walking around as a man, not a worry or care that something bad is going to happen to you.” She jostles the dildo at me as she speaks. “We women have to be on guard at all times, so excuse me for covering all bases.”
“You’re not covering bases. You’re going straight to insanity.”
Ding.
She stiffens and then crouches around me again, holding out the dildo. Whispering in her lower register, she says, “That is not a smoke detector. That is an electronic device. I can sense it.”
“Yeah, and I can sense that you’re losing it.”
“Can we please just look around?”
“Fine,” I say, exasperated. Then together, we walk the perimeter of the cabin, her hiding behind me, holding the dildo out. What is she going to do? Penetrate someone to death with that thing?
We check under the bed, inside the closet, in the bathroom even though we already both took showers. She sneers at the flesh poker, and then we arrive back at the bed just as another ding goes off. This time, I hear it come from her nightstand.
“I think it’s in your nightstand,” I say.
“Really?” she asks, clawing at my shirt. “Well, go…go look.”
