“Why so interested?” I ask with a large smile.
Flustered, she says, “I’m not… I’m just… Seems like the typical thing to do would be to get the piercing again that you had to get rid of.”
“I’m not the typical kind of guy,” I say.
“Clearly.” She wets her lips casually and asks, “Do you have any other piercings?”
“Does it look like I have any others?” I ask.
She looks around my ears and then shakes her head. “No, I guess not.”
Wiggling my eyebrows, I say, “Didn’t look hard enough, Pips.”
She offers me a confused look, but I don’t get to elaborate, because Sanders gets on stage with a mic, and the room falls silent as they start clapping for him. I join in because you haveto hand it to the man. If he’s going to stand up there in front of a room of people while sporting a cutoff suit jacket, then he deserves some praise.
“Thank you,” he says, offering the room a quick wave. “I hope everyone enjoyed their dinner. We’re going to have plates cleared off soon, and then some gelato will be brought around, but in the meantime, let’s give a warm welcome to you and the staff.”
We all clap, and honestly, this whole thing is so fascinating to me. Clearly, I’ve never been married before, but what I can tell you from being here so far and from watching my parents’ marriage is that people work at it. Coming to this camp, this is work, and look at them, they’re excited about it. Makes you wonder how many people are like this out in the world.
The consensus I hear about a troubled marriage is that it ends in divorce. There isn’t enough light shed on couples actually working through their troubles and rifts.
This situation might be weird with the moose antlers and lit-up golf cart, but at least there’s a healthy commitment to connecting with your spouse.
“To those of you who have been here before, welcome back. And to our new couples, we welcome you with high fives and butt slaps.”
The crowd laughs, and I find far too much joy in this, as opposed to Scottie, who, I see with one glance in her direction, is clearly trying her hardest to put on a smile and be happy about the fact that she’s stuck in a room with a bunch of married couples. Makes me wonder, is there something she hasn’t filled me in on? Is there a reason why being around all these married couples makes her stiff and uncomfortable?
“As we speak, staff are placing itineraries in your mailboxes that are just outside your cabins. You will receive one of these every day, the night before. Sometimes, they will just be aletter. Other times, they’ll be a package with a challenge. It’s our responsibility as your guides to give you the best experience with your spouse and to cater to the level of your commitment and comfort with each other. Some of you are coming back for a recharge. Some of you are here to have fun, generate a spark you might be missing. And some of you might be going through a more troubling time. Whatever brought you to Camp Haven, we want you to know we hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Inspiring.
If I was truly here to fix my marriage, I’d be ready to tackle the hard stuff.
Pumped.
Frothing to take charge and make up with my girl.
Possibly test out those cock rings…
“Your itinerary must be followed. I understand that you might feel like you want to be pulled in different directions while being here, but we have crafted these itineraries specifically to your situation. There isn’t any wiggle room. We have a process. Please join us in that process so we can give you the best experience. And I hate to bring negativity into this welcome speech, but it must be announced that failure to follow the itinerary will result in a consequence.”
Consequence, huh? Wonder what that could be. Maybe a spanking from our spouse? If that’s the case, catch me being naughty on day one.
“As for your luggage, we did find some contraband in your bags. You received a note if something was taken. At the end of camp, you may receive your contraband back, but at a cost.”
Seriously? Jesus.
Talk about a money grab.
Although Sanders must be doing something right, because all these couples are back here. Maybe they don’t mind being pricegouged. Personally, I feel slightly violated that my luggage was pawed through and my Nerds Clusters were confiscated.
Sigh. RIP, Nerds Clusters. RIP.
“Okay, enough with housekeeping, on to our welcome. As tradition, we like to welcome our couples to the stage to introduce themselves. I’ll start with myself and my wife, Ellison. Sweetie, can you please come to the stage?”
The lights dim, and a faint sound of music plays in the background.
What is happening?
