I pause, reading his text. Uh, is he sure about that?
Scottie: What do you mean it’s you? I’m not sharing a cabin with the other wives? You know, like in a real summer camp?
Wilder: No. Didn’t you look at the brochure?
Scottie: Uh no, I just snatched one, hoping you wouldn’t grow attached to the idea of going. Boy, was I wrong.
Wilder: You should have looked at it. Of course it has the adult summer camp vibes, but each couple gets their own cabin… We’re going to have to share a bed.
I stare at the words, over and over again.
Share a bed.
With a stranger?
With a man I know nothing about?
I mean, what if…what if he snores? What if he, oh God, what if he’s one of those guys that gets wet dreams all the time?
Gasp, what if he sleeps naked?
Scottie: PAJAMAS! Get yourself pajamas! I refuse to sleep with a naked man. Actually, while you’re at Target, get an air mattress and extra blankets, because one of us is sleeping on it.
Wilder: You nervous to sleep with me?
Scottie: Uh, yeah!
Wilder: Why?
Why?
Seriously, has this man ever been in the likeness of society? He seems so oblivious to the most obvious things.
Scottie: Uh hello, I don’t know you. I don’t know if you’re going to roll over at one point and breathe your hot breath on me.
Wilder: Who’s to say I have hot breath?
Scottie: Everyone has hot breath in the morning. Also…are you a wet dream guy?
Wilder: I mean, I was when I was younger, can’t help that shit, but not anymore.
Scottie: Thank God for small miracles.
Wilder: It’ll be fine. I promise. I don’t snore. I keep to my side. Not to mention I brush my teeth, floss, and use mouthwash twice a day. Good dental hygiene over here.
Scottie: How do you know you don’t snore?
Wilder: The clinic down the street from me was doing sleep studies and needed some bodies to fill in; it was just one of those experiences I took advantage of. They told me I was an excellent sleeper, very unlike some of the people they study. Felt bad because I was boring to watch.
Scottie: Are you always doing random things? Is this a money thing?
Wilder: I don’t need the money. Seriously though, no need to worry on the sleeping thing, and I’ll be sure to give you plenty of privacy whenever you need it. The camp backs up to a forest, so I plan on going on a lot of walks. I have a bird book I’m going to bring with me so I can do some bird-watching in our off hours. I’m also excited to bust out my binoculars. It’s one of the very few things that I’ve spent good money on.
Curious, I type back a question, because why is he making it seem like money is not a thing to him?
Scottie: What other things did you spend money on?
Wilder: My house—a brownstone in Brooklyn. My binoculars. My computer—because that’s a necessity. A charcoal set for drawing. And a first-edition signed copy ofMiseryby Stephen King.
