“I don’t like the sound of this.”
“Can you just let me in?”
He scans me with his eyes, debating in his head, but then he lets me in his apartment and leads me into the living room. As I take a seat on the couch, he says, “I have water and Coke Zero from the corner store.”
“The good corner store?”
“According to your app, the best corner store.”
“Then I’ll take one.”
He grabs two Coke Zeros, opens them effortlessly like the skilled bartender that he is, and then hands me one before taking a seat. “What happened?”
“To make a long story short, I have feelings for her. She got scared because of her past, and when asked if I would hurt her, I said I didn’t want to.”
He pauses mid-drink and then lowers his can of soda. “You said you didn’t want to instead of saying I won’t hurt you?”
“Yeah.” I pull on the back of my neck. “Not my best showing, that’s for damn sure. But it’s why I’m here, because I need to talk something through with you.”
“Okay,” he says, seeming nervous.
“I need to talk about Mom.”
His expression falls. “Dude, I’m going to need something stronger than a Coke Zero to have this conversation.”
“I know I’m springing this on you, but it’s important, okay?”
He lets out a huge sigh and then turns to me. “Okay, what’s going on?”
“I need to know something, given all the hard work you’re doing in therapy and the strides you’ve taken to better your mental health. Do you think there will be a time when you might be okay with being in the same room as her again?”
He lets his tongue run over his teeth as he looks off to the side. “I want to,” he says. “I really fucking do. There are times that I miss her. Times that I wish that we could do thingstogether as a family, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, but every time I see her, I just, I think back to that day, and I get so angry.”
“I know,” I say. “I get the same feeling.”
“Then how are you able to be around her?”
“Because I know that Dad would not want us to be split apart like we are. I think about him, and I think about what he would have thought about the division.”
“Cheating on him with his best friend? You think he would have been okay with that?”
“No, but also…Dad wouldn’t have wanted us pausing our lives to take care of him. You and I both know that. He probably would have asked us to move on, to put him in a care facility if he had a chance to express himself.”
Mika shakes his head. “No, he would have wanted to be with his family, his wife.”
“Mika,” I say softly while setting my drink down. “Do you remember Dad before he got in the accident?”
“Of course I remember him,” Mika says, sounding insulted.
“Do you remember how he told us over and over how much he wanted us to live our lives when we were older? How he wanted us to explore? To love. To live…”
Mika nods his head.
“He wouldn’t have wanted us hanging around, waiting on him. You’ve got to know that, Mika.”
He glances down at his hands. It takes him a second, but then he slowly nods. “Yeah, I know you’re right, but it’s hard to look at it that way when you love someone so much.”
“It is. It’s really fucking hard, Mika. This entire situation is hard. Losing our dad when we were in high school and college. Our mom having to raise us, keep a smile on her face like everything was okay while her husband was slowly dying. The entire situation was fucking awful. But I think we need to findsome forgiveness. And I know that’s something you’re working on, and I’m proud of you for it.”
