Mika: Have fun.
I set my phone down and stare at the burning fireplace image on my TV that I set every night while Led Zeppelin plays in the background.
Pretend husband.
Marriage counseling.
With a girl named Scottie.
I think this is something I can run with.
Smiling to myself, I pick up my notepad and pen that I always keep close by, I tug on my lip ring with my teeth, and I start taking notes on how I can play this character.
You know, this might be the fun I need in my life right now.
“Dude, why are you late?” I ask Derek as he comes striding up to me, still tying his tie.
“Sorry, man, Denise was a mess this morning.” He takes a seat at the bistro table I snagged us that is right next to the window and then picks up the coffee I ordered him. “Thanks. I really need this.”
“What’s going on with Denise?” I ask my best friend and accountant.
“She booked a wedding this weekend, a big one. It’s for an influencer named Brie Copperhead, something like that. All I know is she’s freaking out, and I spent last night and thismorning trying to calm her down. Didn’t help that last night she came home drunk from the bar. She was saying some crazy shit.”
I bite into the coffee cake I gleefully purchased this morning. It’s my treat for the week. I tend to eat as healthy as I can, but every week, I treat myself once for every meal. Breakfast this week is this coffee cake.
“What was she saying?” I turn my wrist and check my Apple Watch for the time. I have about ten minutes before I have to bolt. Luckily, I’m close to where we’re meeting.
“She was going off about this Brie girl and then she started telling me about Scottie and how she’s married to Mika or I don’t know. She was slurring.”
I smile. “I think she meant me.”
“What?” Derek asks, looking all kinds of confused.
“Terrible day to be late, man. I have to leave in a few, but to make it short, Mika texted me last night that Scottie needed a fake husband, and—” I shrug. “I said sure, why the hell not.”
“Wait…what?” he asks, setting his cup of coffee down. “What are you talking about?”
“All I know is that Scottie needs a husband and so?—”
“Wilder, are you insane?” he asks. “Do you even know Scottie?”
“Never met her. She’s Mika’s friend, so I’m assuming she’s at least halfway decent.”
“I mean, yeah, she is, but why would you say yes to being someone’s fake husband?”
I pick off a piece of my coffee cake. “Not that I’m complaining, but being retired can be pretty boring at times. Seemed like something new and fun to do.”
“Don’t you volunteer every day? Maybe up all the charity work you do.”
“Yeah, but that’s for a few hours. There’s only so much I can do to keep myself busy. Plus, don’t want to over commit myself.”
“Okay, do more word searches. I know you love those.”
“Dude, those are a sacred nighttime ritual, you know that. And why do you even care?” I say, motioning toward him. “It’s not like you’re the one pretending.”
“No, but I’m your accountant, and I know how much stock you own in a variety of companies. You own enough stock in different places so if you do something stupid and you’re caught, you can throw off investors.”
“Jesus.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not that important. And it’s one day. It’s not a big deal.”
