But this side of him. This indifferent side? It’s not fun. It’s not pleasant. And it’s very cold.
And I don’t think I can last another however many more days we have here together, so I decide to do something about it.
“About last night?—”
“We don’t need to talk about it.”
“I think I need to,” I say softly, which of course pulls his attention. I’m learning that even though he might be irritated with the entire situation, he’s still a good guy at heart. He’s a guy who will sit and listen if he hears that someone needs that kind of attention.
“Okay.” He turns toward me. “Do you want to start?”
“Yeah.” I set my corn on the cob down on my foil. “I have a whole bunch of feelings from last night.”
“Start with the first one you felt.”
This is what I’m talking about. He’s a good guy. Instead of getting defensive and wanting to be the one who is right all thetime—something Matt would do—he intently listens, asks me to speak my feelings. It’s so…healthy.
“I was confused at first, because…well, I’ve never really had anyone stand up for me like you did. It was different, and I didn’t know how to react really.”
“That’s understandable.”
“And then when I did figure out how to react, that reaction turned into embarrassment. I was embarrassed that they were talking about us. I was embarrassed that you were handing out dildos, and then, when we were in the cabin, I was embarrassed that you thought I was making excuses for them.”
He slowly nods. “Okay. What else?”
Taking a deep breath, I make eye contact with him and say, “And I didn’t like it when you asked if I made excuses for my ex.”
He wipes his fingers on a napkin. “Yeah, that was really shitty of me, Scottie. I’m sorry. You deserve better than to be questioned like that. I fucked up and should not have said that.”
Wow.
Just…wow.
I don’t think I’ve ever in my entire life had someone apologize to me like that, taking full ownership and not even coming up with an excuse. Just a straight-up apology. It nearly throws me off.
“Th-thank you,” I say, stunned.
“Did you have any other feelings?”
“I think those were the main ones.”
“Okay, well, I’m sorry that I embarrassed you. That was not my intention. I was frustrated with how they were treating you, how they were treating us, and I lost control. I don’t like it when people are picked on. I’ve had to deal with that nearly my whole life?—”
“You were picked on?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No, Mika was.”
“Oh,” I say softly, completely understanding.
“He was always different, and the people around us made sure he knew.” He stares off toward the forest, probably thinking about the past. “There have been many times in my life when I’ve stood up to kids bigger than me because Mika wouldn’t stand up for himself. I’ve taken fist after fist to the face for Mika, but I regret nothing.”
My heart aches as I think about Wilder taking hits for his brother. He’s such a good guy. Guilt consumes me about how we’ve been fighting, how we’ve been ignoring each other. Sure, what he did was embarrassing, but in the long run, he was trying to stick up for me in the best way that he could, and maybe that’s something I need to start recognizing. That maybe, in this situation, I’m not entirely alone. Maybe I need to start trusting people again.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with that, but Mika is really lucky to have you as a brother.”
“Thank you,” he says softly.
“And I’m sorry that I got angry with you. I should have seen that you were just trying to protect me. I guess I’m just not used to such selfless behavior, so I didn’t know how to react.”
