“Yeah,” I say, swallowing down the emotion traveling up my throat.
She’s silent for a second and her hand connects with my arm. “Is this hard for you to talk about?”
“Yeah,” I answer.
“Okay, well we don’t have to talk about it,” she says. “We can talk about something else or go to bed. Or I can tell you about my first period to defuse any uncomfortable feeling. I can make you feel even more awkward with a story about how I got it in the grocery store and what I thought was a melted strawberry popsicle on my pants . . . wasn’t.”
I lightly smile. “That’s okay. I can talk about it.” I turn my head so I can get a better look at her beautiful face in the moonlight. A shadow casts on the right side of her face, but the left is easy to make out. Her eyes are penetrating. It makes me lose every boundary, every wall I’ve ever erected around myself. “Losing Holden took a big toll on my family. My parents divorced after his death. Hayden and I haven’t been able to speak to each other, let alone look at each other, and I can’t remember the last time there was a family gathering. Well, I guess it was the funeral.”
“I’m so sorry,” she says, rubbing her thumb over my forearm.
“It was silent that day,” I continue. “Not a sniffle, not a single moan of sadness. I think we were all still in shock. We went through the motions, receiving hugs and condolences. We didn’t say a word to each other and once we lowered him into the ground, we went our separate ways. Nothing and no one has been strong enough to pull us back together because the person who could do that, is the person we lost.”
“Halsey, I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing really to say. That day will forever leave a mark on my life. I didn’t just lose my brother, I lost my family. It’s why my boys are so important to me now. And they get that. They understand that I need them more than they probably need me. It’s why they let me be who I want to be when we’re up at the cabin or when I’m in the locker room quietly reading. They know I need my space and I need my escape. There are times where they push me out of my comfort zone, but they also get me, and they know when they’re pushing too hard.”
“They know your limits.”
“They do,” I answer.
“Do you usually let new people into your life? Or are you afraid you might also lose anyone new?”
I look her in the eyes and say, “You’re new and you’re here. Does that answer your question?”
Her lips turn up. “I guess it does.”
“I do fear the unknown though. I like to know where people are, the people who are closest to me. I like to make sure they’re safe. It’s why I’ve gone out with the guys, not because I want to, but because I feel more at peace if I know what they’re doing, if I can make sure they’re being safe.”
“That makes sense. Are they aware of this fear?”
“Probably not.” I stare up at the ceiling. “Hell, I think I’ve divulged more to you than any of them.”
“Really?” she asks.
I look over at her. “Really. And maybe it’s because I know you won’t give me shit about what’s on my mind.”
“Ooo.” She cringes. “That’s where you’re wrong. I very much will give you shit. I just need to find the right thing to give you shit about . . . like . . . the books. For the love of God, Halsey, get bookshelves.”
I chuckle. “Maybe it will be a project I take on while I’m healing.”
“As long as someone else is building them and anchoring them into the wall, then sure, sounds great. The last thing we need is Bob the not-so Builder putting up his own bookshelf and having it fall on top of him, breaking a wrist because you have no business putting together anything.”
“I built the nightstands.”
“Wow, where’s your tool belt? We need to gild it in gold.”
I let out a low laugh. “It’s in the hall closet. Put it in a shadowbox while you’re at it.”
She pokes my side. “Okay, funny man.”
“Wantme to bring dinner over to you since you’re icing?” Blakely asks.
“Sure.”
She made tacos tonight and I tried helping but she wouldn’t let me, of course. I sat on the counter for a little bit, keeping her company, but my timer to ice went off, which put me on the couch. It’s an off night for the boys so we decided to eat dinner and watch a movie . . . my choice.
I decided to make a very shocking—hear the sarcasm—choice and picked the movie,Miracle. She asked me the other night what my favorite hockey movie was and it was no contest. I get chills at the end of the movie every time.
