Eli nods vehemently. “Understood.”
“Now.” Posey turns toward Penny. “Tell us more about this falling in love thing.”
“Well, I think if it were the right guy, Blakely would stay here, you know? And she did say how attractive Halsey is. She said you had an amazing body—”
“Told you the no shirt would work,” Posey says, swatting my shoulder.
“Wait, you did that on purpose?” Penny asks.
Posey leans in and says, “We have an entire plan that revolves around a shirtless Holmes attempting to get Blakely to fall for him, you know, since he loves her so much.”
“I don’t fucking love her. I just have a crush is all.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Silas says. “He loves her.”
“You have a plan? Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks Eli.
Looking like a deer caught in headlights, he looks among all of us and says, “I didn’t want to be in the middle. I didn’t want to be subject to getting my finger chopped off. There was a lot ofpressure, and I really don’t want to be a part of this.” With that, he leaves, not even looking back.
I don’t blame him. I want to take off too.
“In his defense, the minute we told him what we were planning and that he couldn’t tell you, he stepped out. He said he couldn’t do that.”
“Aw, look at him loving and respecting me.”
“He does, a lot,” Silas says.
“He’s a good man.” She turns her attention back on me. “Okay, enough about Eli. Let’s figure out how you’re going to make my friend fall for you. Going shirtless is not going to work. And no offense, I’m sure you have an amazing body, but she’s unfazed by that. You guys need to step up your game.”
“Going shirtless was just one thing on a list of ways we were going to entice her,” Posey says.
Penny folds her arms over her chest. “Uh-huh and what are the other ways you planned on enticing her?”
The boys fall silent, glancing back and forth between each other.
“Uh . . . showing her his penis?” Silas asks.
“No,” I say so fucking fast. “We are not showing her my penis or even talking about my penis.”
“Why? Do you have a nice penis?” Penny asks.
“An amazing penis,” Posey answers while holding his hands up and forming an obnoxiously large circle.
“Stop that.” I swat his hands down.
“What? I’m just being honest.”
“We are not using my penis as an enticement. Hell, we’re not enticing her at all, okay? This has gotten out of control. We are dropping it—”
“To hell you are,” Penny says, coming right up to me with that pointy finger of hers. “You listen to me, Holmes, and you listen good. I did not exit a child out of my body to just sit hereand raise it without a best friend by my side. Do you understand what a postpartum woman goes through?”
“Ehhh . . .”
“Underneath this pretty pink blouse I’m wearing are raw nipples. Yeah . . . raw. They are chapped and have been sucked on and tugged on and brutalized to the point that I’m not sure I even have feeling in them anymore. And my stomach.” She clasps her hand to her stomach. “It is jiggly but not, but also . . . jiggly. Explain to me how that works? It’s as if when I got pregnant, an extra layer of skin was added but never fully attached to the underneath layer so it just moves around freely. And my feet . . . they fit in nothing,” she whispers in a scary tone, and I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise. “Nothing. All I can say is thank God for my generation creating the casual but professional look by incorporating sneakers with trousers because I wouldn’t have anything to wear on my feet if it weren’t for the fashion trends right now. And don’t get me started on the underwear I have to wear now.” She grips my jersey, coming in closer. “They are . . . enormous. I could wrap your head and Posey’s head together in one pair. So you can understand I need my best friend. Therefore, find your balls, man, because you are going to make my friend fall for you so fucking hard that she won’t know what to do with herself. Got it?”
I swallow hard, staring down at the maniacal eyes of Eli’s girl, and I feel myself slowly nod.
She pats my cheek. “That’s a good boy.” She straightens out her blouse. “Now, what is the plan?”
