“Did she look uncomfortable?” Pacey asks.
“No. I don’t know. It was fucking weird, okay?”
“Did you get her breakfast?” OC asks.
“Yes, I did, and we sat and ate together and talked.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Posey asks. “It seems like you did all the right things. No shirt. Check. Breakfast. Check. Conversation. Check. How could this have gone any better?”
I rub my hand over my forehead and say, “I . . . I can’t seem to control what I say around her.”
“Uh-oh,” Silas says while pointing. “I told you guys that was going to hurt him. We could plan all the ways he can get her to like him, but it comes down to his execution.”
“What stupid thing did you say?” Posey asks. “Did you confess your love?”
“Or stumble over telling her how beautiful you think she is?” Pacey asks.
“Did you talk about your wiener?” OC asks, drawing all of our attention. He shrugs. “I don’t know, we talked about it yesterday, and I thought maybe it stuck in his head.”
“None of that,” I say before looking out the window, thinking about this morning and how easy it felt to talk to her. How I didn’t even considerwhatI was saying and could just be me. “I talked about Holden.”
The boys fall silent for a moment before Posey quietly asks, “Did you talk about the accident?”
“No, nothing like that, although I’ve mentioned it. I keep mentioning him, and the moments we shared.”
“Is that a bad thing?” Silas asks, his voice gentler as well.
“That’s what I’m struggling with. At the moment, it feels right. It feels like I’m supposed to be opening up to her because she makes me comfortable, more comfortable than I’ve ever felt. But afterward, I feel this anxious panic. It’s a combination of regret and memories I don’t want to relive, things I’ve stuffed away for so long, and every time they resurface, it’s like I live through losing him all over again. And I can’t seem to stop myself. Talking about him to her comes out so easily. Then there’s the whole aspect of not wanting her to feel bad for me. I don’t want to play the pity card. I don’t want her looking at me as the guy who lost his brother, but then I can’t stop mentioning him. I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s why we need to stop this. We need to cancel everything. I can’t live with this pain at the forefront of my mind. I can’t possibly deal with it and play fucking hockey at the same time.”
The boys fall silent again, and I don’t blame them. I don’t know how to handle this situation either. I’ve been thinkingabout it all fucking morning, regretting talking about Holden, wondering if she thinks I’m seeking pity whenever I mention him. I’m not. I don’t want anyone’s pity.
I just . . . fuck, I just want her to like me.
I want her to see me as someone she can rely on and see herself with.
But fuck, I don’t even know who I am anymore without Holden—I don’t like who I am anymore—so how could I possibly get her to fall for me? Why would someone so vibrant and full of life consider me as boyfriend material?Husband material?She wouldn’t.
“Maybe,” Posey says, taking his time. “Maybe she’s exactly what you need, and there’s going to be some growing pains that go with it.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I think he’s trying to say that Blakely might be the key to helping you through the trauma of losing your brother,” Pacey says. “And I say this delicately, man, but none of us have been able to talk to you about Holden. It’s rare if you ever speak about him, let alone hang out with us outside of hockey. Even when we’re in Banff, you spend most of the time reading. It’s not a bad thing, but we’re also worried.”
“He’s right,” Silas chimes in. “You’ve shut down, yet it seems Blakely pulls another side out of you. It’s not bad, it’s just different, but a good different.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to go there.”
“You need to,” OC says, stepping in. “I lost a childhood friend back in college and I know it’s not the same as losing your twin, but it was too easy to push the world away rather than fight against that feeling and live your life, a life my friend would have wanted me to live. This might be the first step of you coming out of that place of denial. And yeah, it’s going to be really fucking uncomfortable and there will be days where you are sick toyour stomach with reliving the pain you stuffed away, but dude, coming from experience, it’s so much fucking better living on the other side.”
Posey pats my leg. “He would have wanted you to live your life, man. We all know that about him.”
“He’s right,” Silas agrees. “And you can’t view talking about Holden with Blakely as a bad thing. Dude, don’t you see how special that is? The kind of effect this girl has on you? This is just the beginning of talking to her, getting to know her, so imagine what will happen when you spend a few weeks talking to her on a deeper level?”
“Could be magic,” Pacey adds.
And dammit, he could be right because that word . . . magic . . . I can’t deny that’s how it feels when I’m around her.
I feel light.
