He looks away, and my heart sinks. Keller tells it to you straight. He doesn’t lie. He doesn’t beat around the bush, so the fact he has to turn away when I ask him this specific question, means he’s having the same thoughts as me.
“Are you?” I ask, placing my hand on his leg.
“I don’t have second thoughts about my feelings for you,” he says. “But fuck, Lilly. This isn’t easy, and I don’t know how to move past this unbearable tension between us. I don’t know how to make things better. And even though I want to believe it will all be all right after we get married, I fear that it won’t be.”
I press my lips together as his words sink deep into me, tears welling up in my eyes because I’ve thought the same thing.
What if this tension doesn’t change after we get married?
What if we can’t ever work through these issues?
“Are you feeling this way because of what happened yesterday?” I ask.
“No,” he answers, his eyes landing on me. “Yesterday . . . that scared me to my very fucking core, knowing you could have possibly been taken, hurt . . . lost.” He swallows hard, and when I look into his eyes, I see just how much my decision tormented him yesterday.
I scoot in closer, and I place my hand on his. He rolls his hand so our palms connect and our fingers entwine. The uncomplicated touch warms up my cold exterior.
“I’m sorry, Keller. I’m sorry I made you worry. I’m sorry I made a decision that affected a lot of people, and I’m sorry I was so careless.”
His eyes fall to our connection, and he quietly says, “Thank you.”
“I won’t do it again, Keller. I promise. I was naive to think that I could do something so frivolous. And now that I’m aware of the severity of my position, that not everyone in this country is a fan of mine, I’ll be extra cautious.”
He wets his lips and nods.
Unsure of where to go from here, I ask, “Can we just hold each other? I don’t think there’s much more talking I can do.”
“Yeah,” he answers as he lifts his arm, and still with our hands connected, I lean into his chest and he brings our hands to my front, his arm encircling me. He kisses the side of my head, and I melt into his chest.
“I love you,” he whispers. “More than anything, Lilly. I would do anything for you . . . anything.”
“I know,” I say as a set of tears roll down my cheeks. “I love you too, Keller.” I take a deep breath. “I still want to marry you. I want to live this life with you. I want to see where it takes us.”
He once again leans down and presses a kiss to my head and then holds me tighter.
And as we sit there, letting the time run out on our session, all I can think about is how I told him I still want to marry him . . . but he didn’t say it back.
Instead, he would do anything for me.
Anything.
What does that mean?
Is there double meaning behind it?
* * *
“Did you have a good night?”Lara asks as she walks me back to my room.
“I did,” I answer. “It was nice getting a tour from Pala and hearing different stories about my mom growing up and some of her favorite places in the palace. I think I’ve done my fair share of crying for the day.”
She chuckles and bumps her shoulder with mine. “Are you feeling better?”
I let out a sigh. “Not really. I mean I’ve had a wonderful time meeting Pala, Isabella, and Marit, but things with Keller are still tense. During our last session with Gothi Elias today, we were supposed to talk about the future, but instead, Keller just held me. I don’t know. I worry about him, Lara. He’s so disconnected. It feels like there’s an ocean between us, and I’m trying to swim closer to him, but the current is too strong. I don’t know what to do.”
Lara is silent for a moment as we pad through the carpeted halls of the palace and up the stairs to my bedroom.
“Keller can become consumed by his thoughts, especially when he’s stressed or anxious. After his parents passed, it was really hard to get him not to bury deep into forgetting about the world and rather look up to see what’s in front of him. I think . . . I think you need to try to get him out of his head.”
