The blood pumping through my veins.
The air pressing through my lungs.
The thoughts running rampant in my mind.
Because I know exactly what this means.
“Keller,” I choke out. “What . . . what are you telling me?”
He drags his hand over his face. “I’m saying what I’ve told you from the very beginning. I’m not the man you should be with.”
“Stop it.” I clutch his shirt. “Stop fucking saying that. You are the man I should be with. We can . . . we can figure this out. What did Theo say?”
“He said if I don’t go through with the wedding, you’ll leave. You won’t go through with this role.”
“Wait, hold on.” I sit taller. “Are you saying you don’t want to go through with the wedding? Do you not want to marry me?”
His tired, strained eyes stare up at me. “I love you, Lilly, more than life itself, but I also know your role and your responsibilities—”
“Fuck that,” I say. “Fuck all of that. I told you, this is about you and me.”
“I know, but we can’t be naive. Being the queen of Torskethorpe is bigger than us. And when you become queen, you are responsible for carrying on the bloodline. You are responsible for making sure that our country isn’t handed over to Arkham. And despite the way my world revolves around you, I can’t let you disappoint Theo or the people of this country who have fallen head over heels in love with you like I have.”
My throat tightens as I grip his cheeks. “I’m not going to become queen unless you’re by my side. I can’t do this without you.”
“I can still be by your side, just . . . in a different role.”
“As in a bodyguard or adviser?” I ask, and when he nods, I actually laugh. “You believe that you can disassociate your feelings from me and act like what we have isn’t a once-in-a-lifetime love? You can stand by my side while I’m crowned queen, you can watch me date someone else, fuck someone else . . . marry someone else? You’re telling me you can do that?”
His jaw grows tight, and he looks away.
“That’s what I thought. But hey, if you’re looking for a way out of this, then you can have it. If this is you trying to take the easy way out—”
“That’s not what I’m doing, and you fucking know it.” He stabs his finger into the mattress, anger now ringing in his voice. “It is my fucking job to make sure you’re taken care of, that you are able to continue the bloodline. And I can’t do that.”
“You don’t know if you can’t. It will just be harder. You’re giving up before even trying. How could you just give up like that on us?”
“I’m not giving up,” he shouts. “I’m giving you the option to leave. To be with someone else, someone who could provide for you the way that you need.”
“When are you going to realize that you are what I need?” I ask. “When are you going to see that? See the value in yourself?”
“I know my value,” he says. “That’s not the issue here. The issue is, I might not be able to give you what you need, and I’m letting you know, if you want to walk away, I’m not going to hold you back.”
“Well, I’m not going anywhere,” I say. “You’re what I want, what I need. If it comes down to it, I’ll get pregnant some other way, but not being with you is not an option.”
“Maybe you should take some time to think about it.”
“I don’t need fucking time.” I grip his chin tightly so our eyes meet. “I know what I want. It’s you. Over and over again, it’s you. This news, it’s a speedbump, something we’ll deal with when the time comes, but it’s nothing that will tear you away from me.” I lean in and press my forehead against his. “You’re mine, Keller, and nothing will take that away. So don’t try to push me away. This isn’t the end of us.”
His breathing picks up as his arms wrap around me, pulling me in even tighter.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his voice full of sorrow.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. You can’t control this. And we won’t let this news control us either. I don’t know much about what a low sperm count means, but I do know it doesn’t mean it’s impossible to get pregnant. And we have time, Keller. Let’s not keep finding hurdles. We’ll deal with this, as witheverything, together when the time comes.”
He brings his head to the crook of my neck, and that’s where he holds me, never letting go until Runa comes into my room and tells him he has to leave. Even at that, he manages to pause before listening. When he left, though, it didn’t feel quite right. He kissed me, hugged me, but then let go of my hand, keeping his eyes on me and walking out of my room without breaking eye contact. It felt like he was giving me one last goodbye.
It worried me so much that later that night, I sent him a text.
