“Well . . . that was different,”Lilly finally says, breaking the silence as we drive back to Strombly together, Henrik doing damage control on his phone in front of us.
“We’re not talking about it,” I say, staring out the window, still blinded from the cameras flashing in my eyes.
“I just . . . I just want to know, did you have your foot on her butt?”
“No!” I shout. “Jesus Christ. I’m not some fucking creep, Lilly.”
“Okay, okay, but you kind of kicked a girl today,” Lilly says. “And from what I remember during our trainings, kicking the public, especially children, is frowned upon.”
There’s that sass that was missing earlier. Glad it could come back for my demise.
“Like I said, my leg cramped up from that fucking small-ass chair, and I couldn’t recover.”
“And the pants . . .”
“An unfortunate addition.”
“Okay.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “Just confirming.”
“Confirming what?” I ask, glancing over at her.
“The story. I’m sure I’ll be asked about it.”
“You don’t respond,” I say.
At that moment, Henrik looks up. “He’s right. You don’t respond to anything negative, ever. If you’re asked how your day is, you answer. If they ask you what you think about your aunts and uncles not being able to take the throne, leaving the task to you, you don’t answer. You just smile and move on.”
“Oh, I see.” Lilly nods. “Keller kicking a girl into another kid’s lap is a smile and move-on question.”
“I didn’t kick her,” I shout.
But they both ignore me as Henrik says, “That’s correct. This is a smile and move-on story.”
“And the pants? Do I mention anything about that? I mean, thank God you were wearing underwear. Imagine having your crack out in front of children . . .”
“No mention of the pants,” Henrik says and then looks up at me. “Might want to size up, though, they were very tight. Front and back.”
My nostrils flare, but nothing comes out of my mouth.
“So we can’t go the self-deprecating route?” Lilly asks, still on this. “You know, blame the man’s lack of potassium?”
“I don’t have a lack of potassium. I was sore from leg day and cramped up. There is nothing more to it,” I say.
“Maybe we can throw in that his hydration levels have been low,” she says. “Oh! Or maybe we can say something like he’s been so emotional with the wedding planning that he’s cried himself to dehydration.” She taps her chin. “Oh yes, that has real potential.”
I give her a deadpan expression. “We’re not saying that.”
“No, this is a good way to spin you kicking an innocent little girl. It will earn you sympathy.”
I drag my hand over my face and groan, “I didn’t kick her.”
Getting into a public relations role, Lilly brightens as she says, “Just picture the headlines, emotional groom, dehydrated from tears of joy. Subline: accidentally boots girl with bow. We can explain how this whole process has been incredibly emotional for him, and it’s unlocked the flood gates. We can end it with how the palace is working closely with the medical staff on properly hydrating the soon-to-be prince. There’s nothing more real than dehydration. The entire world is practically dehydrated. And we’ve all been there when the water hasn’t been consumed, and we can feel it seizing our bodies.” She claps for herself. “Totally relatable.”
Both Henrik and I stare at her, silence falling in the car.
“What?” she asks. “You can’t tell me that’s not a brilliant spin. Shows that he’s human, an emotional one at that. Garners sympathy. Offers a brilliant explanation. And perhaps, a slight chuckle to round everything out. Ticks all the boxes.”
“We’re not making me into an emotional mess who has cried so much that he cramped up and kicked a girl.”
