Lying in bed, I stare down at my phone, excited to catch up with my cousins.
Lilly:No. I think he knows that I’m still trying to recover from the whole wedding debacle, so he’s been very respectful.
Marit:Do you want him to kiss you?
Isabella:Great follow-up question.
Lilly:Umm . . . I don’t know. I mean, he’s sweet. We certainly connect easily, but I just feel like something’s missing. I enjoy his company, but I also don’t feel right whenever he gets too close. Like, he held my hand for a second the other day, and my stomach twisted into knots.
Marit:It’s probably because you never got closure with Keller, so it’s hard to move on.
Lilly:Yeah, you’re probably right. I’m just not there yet.
Isabella:So why push it?
I pause before answering because should I really tell them? I don’t want Theo to find out the real reason I’m dating Evan, then get mad that I’m putting myself out there before I’m ready. Then again, it might be nice to talk to someone else about it. There’s only so much I can say to Lara and Runa. I trust them with my whole heart, but I also know that they’d possibly let it slip to someone else about what I’m doing.
Feeling like I can trust my cousins, I text back.
Lilly:Okay, what I’m about to tell you has to stay between us, like . . . absolute vault.
Marit:My lips are locked.
Isabella:You can trust us, Lilly.
Lilly:I know, I feel like I just need to reiterate the vault thing.
Marit:We got you.
Lilly:Thank you. Anyway, when I got back to Torskethorpe, I found out that Theo has been pretty ill, and he’s heartbroken over what I went through and losing Keller—they were really close—and he was afraid that he’d leave me alone in this world. He was really troubled by it. I told him he didn’t need to worry, that I actually met someone.
Marit:This makes so much sense.
Isabella:I was wondering why you were going out with Evan when you told us that you still had feelings for Keller. It was for Theo.
Lilly:It is. I want to reassure him I’ll be okay so hopefully he won’t stress so much. The doctors think the stress is what’s getting to him.
Isabella:That’s very courageous of you, Lilly, but you realize this is your life, right? We don’t want you to be with someone just to make Theo better. He wouldn’t want that either.
Marit:She’s right.
Lilly:I know, and I’m hoping that I can take it really, really slow with Evan and see if feelings develop. Like I said, I enjoy his company. I think he’s attractive, smart, sweet. He’s nothing like Keller, which is a good thing because I don’t think I could ever be with someone who was like Keller.
Marit:As in, you didn’t like Keller’s personality?
Lilly:No . . . how do I explain this? You know how when you lose a dog, there are people who don’t want another dog that resembles the first dog because it’s far too painful? That’s what it’s like with Keller. I can’t have anyone like Keller ever again because it would be too painful for me. I’d miss him.
Marit:Ah, that makes sense. Also, love that you used a dog analogy for men.
Isabella:I enjoyed that as well. And that makes so much sense. So you’re just going to see where this goes? What if Evan tries to move things along?
Lilly:I’ll just have another conversation with him. He already knows that I’m struggling with letting go of Keller. I don’t think it would surprise him if I tried to slow anything down. But for now, it’s nice hanging out with him. He helps me get my mind off things.
Marit:I hate to admit it, but I was following your little outing the other day online. He’s really hot.
Isabella:Marit!
Marit:What? He is.
