Without feelings.
Then I won’t have to hurt anymore.
She finishes bathing me and helps me out of the water before wrapping a large, warmed towel around my body. We spend the next few minutes getting me lotioned, clothed, and ready for the day. She braids my hair because since I lie down all day, it doesn’t hurt when braided. She helps me brush my teeth because I’m too weak. And when she slips on my deodorant, I just stare at my gaunt eyes and the lifeless soul in the reflection of the mirror.
Arm around me, she brings me back to the bed and then goes to the curtains again, opening them even more, revealing a dreary day, a day that matches how I feel inside. A mixture of snow and ice pelt the window, streaking down in long, watery drops along the age-old pane.
“Here,” Runa says, handing me a pint glass with a straw. The protein shake. “It’s vanilla flavored.”
Because I know it will make her feel better if I take a few sips, I lean forward and suck on the straw, letting the cool liquid soak on my tongue before I swallow.
“Thank you,” she says softly before smoothing her hand over my hair.
We spend the next ten minutes in silence as I slowly sip my drink, my stomach surprisingly grateful for the food. And when I finish it, Runa has a smile on her face.
“Wonderful,” she says. “Would you like more?”
I shake my head and lie back down.
“Very well.” There’s a knock on the door, pulling Runa’s attention away from me. “That must be King Theo.”
She sets the empty glass on the nightstand and moves to the door where she opens it. I don’t bother to look over to see if it’s him, I keep my gaze fixated on a crack in the ceiling. The same crack that I’ve stared at for the past week. It’s not very long, but at one end, it splits into two, and all I can think about is how the crack resembles Keller and me. At first, we were one—one solid line together—not letting anything come between us, and then, at the first sign of trouble, we’re two.Heading in opposing directions. How apt.
“Let me grab this tray, and then I’ll be out of your way,” Runa says, moving around the room.
When the door clicks shut, I close my eyes, only to feel the bed dip next to me. “Lilija.” Theo’s strangled voice cracks, and just hearing the sorrow cutting through him causes tears to well in my eyes. He grips my hand, his warm palm covering my knuckles. “Talk to me. Please. I know you haven’t talked to anyone, but I need to know how you are. I need to know how I can fix this.”
My lip trembles as tears stream down my cheeks. I part my lips and let out a sigh as I close my eyes again.
“Please, my dear, please help me. I’m so sorry this happened. I’m still . . .” His voice comes out garbled. “I’m trying to make sense of it all. I’m sure you are as well.”
I wet my lips, and when I open my eyes and meet his gaze, I see how tortured he is. And even though talking is the last thing I want to do, I don’t want to make him feel any worse than he already does. I know it wouldn’t be good for his health, so I say, “I’m really, really sad.”
Theo grips my hand tighter. “I’m sad too,” he says.
I glance toward the window, another tear falling down my cheek, this one, I wipe away. “Devastated. I thought . . . I thought our love was more than this . . . this job.”
“I thought it was too,” he says, and his shoulders slump. “I put too much pressure on him.”
“Don’t blame yourself,” I say. “This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.” I reach for a tissue on my nightstand and blow my nose. “This is all him.”
Theo stares ahead as he says, “I wonder if we moved too fast. Would he have been more comfortable with a long engagement, one that gave him more time to adjust? I just . . .” He gets choked up again. “I’m just unsure how much time I have left on this planet, I want to be able to be there for your wedding.”
“Don’t talk like that.”
He looks down at our hands, something passing over his features that I can’t possibly read. Before I can ask him, he says, “How can I make this better for you?”
“I don’t think there’s much you can do,” I say.
“I want to do something. I can’t stand the thought of you in this room, day in and day out, that pretty smile no longer on your face, the energy you have dimmed by the shadow of Keller’s evasion. It makes me physically ill.” His eyes meet mine, and he says, “If you need to go back to Miami, if you need to leave here because it’s too much, I understand. I just want you to be happy.”
I look away and sigh. “The thought of leaving has crossed my mind,” I say honestly. “It would be so easy to pick up and not look back. To put this all behind me and pretend it never happened.” I dab at my eyes with a tissue. “But then I think about all of the people like yourself, Katla, and Runa who have given me your whole heart, your attention, your love, and I can’t imagine abandoning the bonds we’ve formed because my life has been shattered.”
“So what can I do?” he asks.
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “There isn’t anything anyone can do. It’s just going to take time.” My throat grows tight as I say, “Maybe one day I’ll wake up, and I won’t feel the need to cry anymore. Maybe I’ll get the energy to go for a walk. But that time isn’t now.” I slink deeper into my bed and pull up my covers. “Now . . . I just want to be left alone.”
He pats my leg and murmurs, “I understand.” He moves from the bed, his cane giving him assistance. “Then I’ll grant you your wish, but please, when the day does come when you don’t feel like crying and you want to go for a walk, let me be the one who walks beside you.”
