“Because I wouldn’t dare call other people that. And I think it suits you. When you’re grumpy, you always look like you have a fart stuck in you. Therefore, you’re fart face.”
“Can you grow up like a few years?”
“Would you rather be called something like . . . penis breath?”
“Something is seriously wrong with you.” He shakes his head. “You can call me Silas or babe. Those are your options.”
“Ew, I wouldn’t call you babe. That feels weird to me. I like it when guys call me that, but I can’t do it in return.”
“Then Silas it is.”
“But that’s so boring,” I grumble. “How about . . .”
“Silas.”
“Ugh, fine.”
“And I swear to God, Ollie, if you slip up when we’re out together, and you just happen to call me fart face, I’m going to murder you.”
“You don’t give me enough credit. If I slipped up and called you anything, it would be donkey pervert. God, Silas, get it right.”
* * *
“So don’tyou have questions for me?” Silas asks.
“More like . . . a conversation to have,” I say.
“What kind of conversation?”
“About hockey of course. You know, since I know nothing about it. I had some guy at work come up to me and ask if I could get your autograph. I told him to fuck off. I clearly wasn’t going to bother you with such menial things. When he left, I couldn’t stop laughing at the fact that people want your autograph.”
“Why is that funny?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe because I don’t see you as this big hockey star. I just know you as the guy I kissed in a bar who then became my fake boyfriend.”
“Well, maybe you need to see me on the ice to change that mindset.”
“Are you inviting me to a game?”
“As my pretend girlfriend, it will be a requirement to show up.” He drapes his arm over the back of the couch.
“Ew, will I have to wear one of those jumbo jerseys that looks ill-fitted on everyone?”
“Love the enthusiasm, and no.”
“Thank God for small miracles.”
He rolls his eyes. “What do you need to know? Let’s get this conversation about your favorite sport over with.”
“Well, first, I need to talk to you about something, and I don’t want you to get mad at me.”
“Why would I get mad?”
“You’ll see, but promise, okay?”
He studies me for a moment and says, “Okay.”
“So . . . when Roberts found out I was dating you, he became quite invested in our relationship. So much so that he pulled me into his office to talk.”
