“You’re such an asshole,” I say as I walk back to the bedroom.
* * *
BREAKER
“I don’t feel very good,”I say as JP and Huxley walk me to my apartment.
“Because you had three shots of Scotch in ten minutes, realized your mistake, tried to counteract with buttery croissants and water, and now your stomach has no idea what to do with itself,” JP says.
“If you puke on my shoes, I’ll murder you,” Huxley says.
“Why did I have to come home? I don’t want to hear her having sex.” I rest my head on Huxley’s shoulder. “I bet she’s a sweet moaner.”
“Can you not speak so closely to my face?”
“I bet she has the best-tasting pussy ever, like . . . a fresh field of flowers.”
“When was the last time you ate pussy?” JP asks as we reach my door. Huxley unlocks it and lets us in.
“I can’t remember, but I bet you hers is fantastic.”
“Just dump him on his couch,” Huxley says.
“No, my bedroom. I want to smell the pillow she used the other night. It smells like her. I want to clutch it.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more embarrassing display of a man,” JP says. “If only Kelsey didn’t take my phone away so I couldn’t record anything.”
“Kelsey is an angel sent from the heavens above,” I say while clutching JP. “And Lottie, well, she’s funny, and I like that she busts your balls all the time, Huxley. I’ve never seen a woman put you in your place like her. God, the way you grovel around her, talk about embarrassing. But that’s what I’d do with Lia, I would worship the ground she walks on.”
“That’s great,” Huxley says as he pushes me back on my bed. I tumble onto it with a plop.
I hold my feet up and say, “Shoes. Please take off my shoes.”
Huxley points at me, then JP, and says, “Go ahead, remove the shoes.”
“Why don’t you remove the shoes?”
“Because I’m the older brother, which automatically puts me in the managerial role.”
“Are you saying you’ll manage how I take off his shoes?”
“Yeah, now take them off.”
“How about you both take one off?” I say, wiggling my feet. “I could also use some more water. And maybe a bucket. I don’t want to puke on the floor, and I have a good feeling that might happen.”
JP turns to Huxley and says, “Shoes or puke pail and water?”
He groans and walks off toward the kitchen.
“He’s such a grumble gus, isn’t he?” I ask.
“I hate you right now, you know that? You interrupted my entire Sunday. Kelsey was supposed to spend the day naked in the house, and now I’ve had to drag your sorry carcass around and take off your goddamn shoes.”
“And socks.”
He slips off my shoes, followed by my socks, just as Huxley comes into the bedroom with water and a puke pail.
“Wow, you two are true heroes. The best brothers a guy could ask for.” I spread my arms wide on my bed. “Come give me a hug.”
