“A shortsighted boob.”
He tosses his head back, laughter erupting from his lips. “That’s the best you could come up with?A shortsighted boob? Shit.” He wipes at his eyes as I grow more furious by the second. “I think I might get that printed on a T-shirt.You’re a shortsighted boob.Jesus, that’s good.”
I stare at him as he continues to laugh, then chuckle, then laugh again, and when he finally calms himself down, I ask, “Are you finished?”
“I think so.” He gives his eyes one more swipe. “Oh man, any more of those golden insults you have stored away?”
“I don’t know. Do you have any other names to call me other thanfishwife?”
“Sure do... uptight gorgon.”
What the hell is agorgon? Doesn’t matter, it’s a hideous name, doesn’t fall off the tongue.
And to hell if I’m going to let him get away with calling me...that.
My eyes narrow. “Half-cracked ignoramus.”
“Fastidious wench.”
My jaw clenches. “Cynical ninny.”
He cracks a smile. “Pretentious strumpet.”
The sound of Helix climbing the stairs momentarily distracts me before I say, “Callous cockhead.”
Now he’s full-on smiling. “Simpering concubine.”
“Strumpet and concubine would allude to me being loose with my legs and I can guarantee you right now, there’s nothing loose about my appendages.”
“Uh... everything okay?” Helix asks, stepping up to the table.
“Maybe you should be loose, have someone fish that pole out of your ass that you seem to be clenching.” JP crosses his arms, looking like the casual butthole that he is.
“Would you guys like the check?” Helix asks.
“So, I have a pole up my ass because I’m not fainting at your feet over your nonsensical drivel and squawky singing?”
“Squawky?” JP asks, insulted. “Try again. There’s nothing squawky about my singing.”
“Yeah, I’ll just, uh, go grab that check. I’m thinking dessert isn’t a thing tonight.” Helix takes off while JP and I share an unwavering stare down.
“I’ve heard cats in heat sound better than what I’ve had to suffer through tonight.”
“You’re so full of shit.” He tosses his napkin on the table. “I saw you bobbing your head.”
“Oh, you’re cute thinking that was bobbing, more like twitching from how horrendous you sounded. You sure know how to make someone’s muscles fire off in revolt.”
“Is that supposed to be funny? Because it’s not.”
I clutch at my chest. “Have I hurt your man feelings?”
Helix approaches again and sets the check on the table. Both of us reach for it at the same time.
“Let go,” JP says.
“There’s no way in hell I’m letting you pay for this meal,” I counter. He might have ruined this night, and I’ll forever have “Doe, a deer” stuck in my freaking head, but to hell if I’m going to let him pay.
Ohhhhh no.
