Yeah. Same.
“If you recall, it took you a bit to warm up that night as well,” I say, trying to help her out.
“True, but you were incredibly chatty that entire time. Why haveyouchanged?”
This time, I chuckle. “I think I’m freaked out. I did something I shouldn’t have done, which was pursue you, got in trouble for it, and now I’m trying to figure out how to navigate these murky waters. I don’t want to stress you out by being too . . . in your space, and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, especially in your own home, nor do I want you doing this alone. I’m trying to find that balance. My mom raised me by herself before she passed away, and even though I don’t understand completely how hard being a single mom is from a little boy’s point of view, I do remember her telling me fairly often how sorry she was that her money wouldn’t stretch as far as I’d wanted it to. I don’t want that for you. So, my usual fun attitude is slightly askew at the moment.”
“I can understand that. I feel the same way about trying to make sure you’re comfortable.”
“No need to worry about me. But for you, I’ll try harder. Can I ask you something, though?”
“Of course.”
“I need to know why you’re so nervous around me. It might help me relate better.”
She doesn’t answer right away but gives it some serious thought, which I appreciate. “I think the intimidation is still there. It was easy to forget when we were buzzed, but now that we’re just normal human beings under no influence at all, I feel . . . out of place.”
“Not that shit again,” I say in a joking tone. “Come on, Penny. I think you can set that aside by now. I mean, I’ve pretty much touched every part of your body. There has to be a level of intimacy between us that pushes away that feeling of being out of place.”
“You have to remember, Eli, when we hooked up, it was a big thing for me to do, and I had some liquid encouragement to help me. First of all, I wasn’t going into that night with the most confidence in the world. The last guy I was with really tore me down romantically, told me I was bad in bed—”
“I can one hundred percent tell you right now that guy was fucking wrong. Trust me, Penny, he was really, really fucking wrong.”
“Well, uh . . . thank you.”
“I’m serious.” I lower my voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard.” And that’s straight-up facts. I still fucking think about that night.
She pauses. “Uh, well, we don’t need to get into the details, but I appreciate your reassurance.”
“Anytime you need it, let me know, but continue.”
“Okay, so yes, I wasn’t very confident that night, and it was a big deal for me to allow myself to do that with you, out of all people. And I know I act differently at work, but when I’m doing my job, I can be outgoing and extroverted with the guys, but that’s because it’s a job. I have a checklist of questions and conversation pieces I know I can cling to when I’m talking to all of you. The pressure to impress isn’t there. But one-on-one, it’s harder. I’m more of an introvert who likes to curl up on the couch and watchOzark—”
“You watchOzark?” I ask. Finally, something we can actually talk about.
“I do . . . do you?”
“Oh, yeah. Fucking love Jason Bateman. I met him last year at a charity event. Dude is fucking cool as shit. More of a baseball fan, though, but he respects the game.”
“Wow, I didn’t know you met him. What season of the show are you on?”
I settle into my seat and pop open my chili. Guys filter soundlessly onto the bus. We all respect each other and know this is when the guys with families and loved ones like to make their phone calls, so we all stay quiet and eat our dinners.
And even though I don’t acknowledge what she said about her job and being an introvert, I file it away. Finding something in common to talk about rather than fixating on why we’re weird together seems like a better way to have a conversation. That’s why I jumped on the discussion aboutOzark.
“I’m on the current season, episode two. What about you?” I ask.
“Season three. Darn, that could have been something we did together, you know . . . to make things less torturous when we’re together.”
“I wouldn’t call it torturous, well . . . maybe slightly.” She laughs, and I realize I really like the sound of her laugh. I remember liking it the night we hooked up, but hearing it again just reminds me why my will slipped that night, and I allowed myself to taste her. I had to. “But I don’t mind rewatching with you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but it could be good for us. We’ve already started talking more just because of one thing we have in common.”
“True.” She lets out a deep sigh. “God, what you must think of me.”
“I think you’re pretty legit, Penny. I’ve thought that for a while,” I say, finally starting to find my voice. “Ever since Pacey introduced you, I’ve only had good thoughts. Even now, when I come home from a game and find you rambling and steaming my suits, I still think you’re pretty damn great.”
