* * *
The front door opens,and Penny steps inside, holding a bag in one hand and her phone in the other. She takes her shoes off and sets them in the closet, and then moves toward the master bedroom without saying a word.
I’m standing in the kitchen, holding my phone charger and trying to figure out why she put it in the fridge, when I set it down and follow her.
She drops the bag on the floor and then slips under the covers of our bed and rests her head on the pillow before letting out a deep sigh. Her eyes close, and I contemplate what to do.
Should I let her be?
Should I cuddle up behind her?
Should I talk to her?
When I see how peaceful she is, I know exactly what my next move will be. I pull my shirt off, and fold it, setting it on the dresser before getting in the bed behind her. She makes more room for me, and I situate the blanket over both of us before slipping my arm around her stomach. She scoots into my front and then rests her hand on mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into her ear.
Quietly, sadly, she says, “I know, Eli.”
“It was stupid, and I should never, ever question how you feel about me. That’s not fair to you.”
She sighs but doesn’t say anything, so I take that as she just wants to sleep. Not wanting to let go of her, I stay with her tucked into my chest, and as I rest here with her, I realize that nothing is better than this.
Not a night out with the guys.
Not a last-second score to win the game.
Not even a fucking championship.
Nothing beats being with Penny. Absolutely nothing.
And then . . . I hear her sniff.
I still.
When I hear it again, I gently squeeze her and ask, “Babe, is everything okay?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“Hey,” I say softly. I try to tug her to face me, but she doesn’t move. She stays put. “Penny, what’s going on?”
When she answers, all I can detect is the pain in her voice, and it nearly destroys me. “I just want to be your girlfriend, Eli. I just want to be loved.”
Oh . . .
Her wants seem so simple.
Yet to me, they feel monumental.Impossible.
Commitment has never been easy because that means I’m allowing myself to own something . . . someone in my life. Someone I could lose.
Mentally, I don’t believe I’m stable enough for that. To allow Penny that close because if I lose her, it will destroy me.
But haven’t you already let her in?
“And I know you don’t want that,” she adds, her voice so full of sorrow that it physically pains me. “But I don’t know how to change how I feel. So . . . there you go. I love you, Eli, and I’ll probably love you forever.”
She sighs heavily and then cuddles in closer, not saying another word. She drifts off into a deep slumber, one she doesn’t wake up from until the next morning. Not me, though. I lie awake the entire night, playing her words over and over in my head, trying to muster up the confidence, the ability to feel the same way.
